An apple goes to the disco…

When the PC is programmed to tell jokes, Apple has to do the exact opposite - like kick-start a silent revolution.

It’s official – man goes into sleep mode without a computer in his life. From doing his work for him, playing him music and keeping him entertained, to helping him with his shopping, his finances, his banking and his social life, the device has become indispensable to man. And it was this realisation that set the stage for a milestone event.

Contrary to popular belief, the first digital revolution happened when the computer replaced the dog as man's best friend. It could do everything that its canine rival could do – it could roll over with a mouse over and play dead. It could spin circles around him, get into an endless loop and drive him mad. It could get totally bug-infected and yet not allow him to clean it up. It could even fetch the e-newspaper every morning. And to top it all, there were the unbelievable brownie points that it scored over the mutt. It didn’t have to be let out every morning to do its thing. And it didn’t have to be neutered for fear of little tablets running around the place.

But dogs can't tell jokes, while a computer can. To prove this, a team of scientists from the University of Edinburgh decided to programme a computer and make it a complete companion. (This is further proof that man and his computer are mutually compatible - think back to the 90s when there was this famous ‘Made for each other’ campaign featuring a couple where the lady was reading out from the Official Polish Joke Book and regaling her partner. Now, replace the duo with a man and his computer - there would no longer be any need for the joke book. QED.)

So the team wrote some cutting-edge software that made the computer come up with funny one-liners, thus establishing the fact that computers not only had a memory, but also a sense of humour. (It's a different matter that the jokes were not appreciated by the target groups on which they were tested, but it's just a matter of time before the project gets bought over by Google and is revamped and launched as Giggle, the joke finder.)

Interestingly, a major chunk of those who didn't enjoy the jokes were Apple fans. It's difficult to find out if the Apple brigade didn't find the jokes funny because they came from a PC or because they found them tasteless. (“Offensive jokes from a PC? Why are we not surprised? It’s been a long while since Windows shut the door on aesthetics.”) So, inspired by their fans, Apple came up with the perfect response - total silence. While the PC was making a noise about its new-found ability to create jokes, Apple quietly came up with the silent disco app.

‘Silent disco’ works by synchronising music and songs amongst a group of people who can listen to it on headphones or through their personal devices. But Apple's new technology, referred to as the roving DJ, uses the digital information of a song and matches it with all songs similar to it, so each person can dance to his favourite song playing from his device instead of everyone listening to the same song. There's more - the digital network created amongst users can be accessed by Bluetooth and Wi-Fi, so a party can happen across the city, with people listening in from wherever they are. It would also be possible for people to take turns as DJs, just to ensure that the same person does not end up choosing the songs to be played.

And now, the battle lines are drawn and the jury is still out on which of the two people would fancy more - walking their computer on a leash or taking an apple to the disco. 

Caught Adam, bowled Eve

The fascinating story of how the search for Adam and Eve led to the world's bitterest cricket rivalry.

The tech world never had it so good. First came the revelation that Adam and Eve didn’t live in the same era. Cutting-edge technology was used to isolate and label several thousand mutations, through which genetic links and the building blocks of the Y-chromosome were identified. A detailed analysis of this Y-chromosome revealed that the two were strangers from different time zones. Then came the voice of dissent, which was also supported by technology. "While there's no proof of Adam and Eve having been married or having officially registered their marriage, the possibility that they were seeing each other is clearly brought out through carbon dating," claimed the idealist.

The scientist scoffed. "The state-of-the-art imaging technologies that we are using just can't be disputed. Besides our satellite measurements, we also have incredible proof through LiDAR (Light Detection and Ranging), an advanced aerial imaging technique, the results of which have helped us locate the Garden of Eden. And there is no sign of either Eve or of Adam’s missing rib."

"But what about the half-eaten apple thrown away by Adam? It's the world's first piece of trash," said the idealist emphatically. "We made use of ground-penetrating radar, Computed Tomography (CT) scans and also plied robotic drones into the project, through which we unearthed several middens – or old-world trash dumps. We then measured the phosphorous levels in the soil, but," the scientist shook his head, "our efforts didn’t bear fruit." The idealist decided to take on another approach to prove his theory. "The Y chromosomes get passed down only from father to son, so if Adam's gene pool contained mitochondrial genome, he had to have gotten it from his mother – Sir, you need to be looking for a mummy." And thus began the search for the world's first mummy. DNA analysis, mass spectrometry, protein analysis and several other techniques were employed to research the findings. "We need to stop here,” pleaded the scientist. “Not until we dig up all of Eden and plough through every inch of ground. Remember, only when we set sight on that mummy swathed in bandages shall we call it a wrap,” the idealist said angrily.

So laser scanning reality capture methods were used to get more details of the mummy. But the resultant 3D geometric mesh yielded nothing. Finally, a group of British researchers decided to get to the bottom of it all - and found out that the scientist had been looking in the wrong place all along. Instead of trying to locate the Garden of Eden, he had accidentally dug up Eden Gardens in Kolkata. However, two very interesting discoveries were made. The first was an ancient scroll that contained undecipherable text. On using Reflectance Transformation Imaging (RTI), the researchers realised that the text had a curiously strange resemblance to something the cricketing world was familiar with. One of the researchers – also a freelance member of the Barmy Army – let out a whoop. “This is the origin of the Duckworth-Lewis formula that’s being used to decide truncated one-day matches – no wonder it’s undecipherable.” Besides, with the BCCI not yet under the RTI (Right To Information) ambit, further attempts to decipher Duckworth-Lewis was discouraged and the system was deemed fit to be followed worldwide.

The second discovery was even more significant - it was an urn filled with Mishti Doi (a traditional Bengali dessert) that looked slightly burnt, with the word aashun - meaning 'come' in Bengali – inscribed on it. It is not known whether it was a formal proposal from Adam, asking for Eve’s hand in marriage or asking her to lend a hand for dinner, but in their haste to take back a piece of Indian history – something they were really good at – the team from UK took the urn back home, quickly changed aashun to the Ashes and taunted the Aussies with the lure of sweet success. The rest, as they unfortunately say, is history.