Proof that revenge sucks

Success may have different hues, but when it comes to varying tastes, there's nothing like revenge.

The dreaded underworld from the cyberworld was in session. This was a splinter group that called itself Cosa Moustra (loosely translated into ‘The mouse's thing’) and was actively involved in hold-ups along the information highway and extortion through ingenious means.

The group had a simple modus operandi - to infiltrate laptops and PCs belonging to the rich. (How did they figure that out? Simple, they just went for computers that had a lot of cache.) The idea was to secretly smuggle in malware called ransomware into the PC. And the malware would take over from there. For starters, it would lock the machine and make all the files and content of the hard disk inaccessible, by encrypting them and rendering them unreadable. And the only way the user could unlock the machine and retrieve his files would be by paying a ransom.

So they found the right guy for it - a cricketer whose IPL contract was stuck in his laptop. The good news was that he was going to get paid Rs. 10,00,00,000. And the bad news was that if he didn't sign his contract and send it on time, he would be watching the entire IPL season on TV. But he had only himself to blame - he had received another mail with the subject, 'Find out how you can make Rs. 11,00,00,000'. Thinking that it was a bidding war from a rival team, he clicked open the mail and its attachment eagerly, only to realise that he had inadvertently let in the ransomware. Soon there was a pop-up: 'You have the money. We have your files. Exchange?'

Time was of essence - the ransomware had a timer, so if he didn't act fast, his laptop, his IPL contract and the big bucks would all go up in smoke. The cricketer was stuck. He thought he had struck a purple patch, but now his laptop needed a patch to remove the malware. But it wasn't that easy - if he tried to mess with the ransomware, it would lead to him losing his files. If he tried to format his hard disk, he would still end up losing his files. ‘A bit like facing Dale Steyn from one end and Mitchell Johnson from the other,’ he sighed.

Even the computer experts were helpless. "We aren't able to trace the mail," they told him. "The ransomware has taken over the boot up process of the machine and after making sure that it’s on a firm wicket, is now toying with you. Er, how did it know that you are an Indian medium pacer?" The cricketer remained defiant. "I shall not pay," he insisted. He received another mail. 'A cyber supari has been announced to defame you. If you don't pay, you won’t play – instead, a purported sting operation of you agreeing to fix matches will be played online.'

The cricketer was now desperate. "What do I do now?" he asked his actress girlfriend. "They sent you a cyber supari. You send them a cyber lollipop," she said. "That would be the ultimate revenge." "What’s that?" he asked incredulously. She put on her geek glasses and began. “It’s an electronic device which, when placed on the tongue, can simulate any taste - sweet, sour, bitter or salt. A series of electrical and thermal stimulations are delivered through the device to the tip of the tongue and hence create the sensation of taste. The system alters the various properties of alternating current and creates suitable stimuli." "So how would that be revenge?" the cricketer asked. "You know how power fluctuations are in our part of the world. The minute they keep the device on their tongue, it will suffer a short-circuit - you can imagine the rest."

“And why is it the ultimate revenge?” he persisted. “When the electrode is placed on the tongue, it would feel pretty cold,” she smiled. “Remember what the Godfather said? Revenge is a dish that tastes best when served cold.”

Battling the biggies…

It was a battle more one-sided than Rambo against the entire Afghan army when lesser mortals took on social media giants.

Times Square was fast filling up. The private detectives of the world were up in arms. As they looked to fill the place up, they realised that it was already occupied by a zillion news channels. “Covering our protests?” they asked curiously. “No way, we are also protesting," claimed the channels. “Ever since Facebook became the most preferred source of news, so no one's watching us.”

“It's really frustrating to struggle hard and come up with ‘breaking news’, only to realize that 600 million people already know about it, have liked it and have forwarded it to the remaining 600 million Facebook users,” grumbled a grizzled channel veteran. “That's right,” spoke up the bespectacled gentleman to his right. “Why is a calamity of this magnitude going unheard? The nation wants to know.”

“But how did they manage that?” asked a detective. “Because,” an otherwise aggressive news anchor sobbed, “research has revealed that people just can't help being addicted to Facebook. Apparently it's hardwired into their brain, somewhere in the nucleus accumbens - that's the part of the brain that handles the key portfolios of rewards and ego massage. So some scientists subjected a user's brain to functional magnetic resonance imaging and guess what they found? Facebook’s ‘like’ symbol was embedded all over his brain.” “Seriously?” asked the sleuth. The anchor sighed. “Not quite, but almost.”

“And why are you guys protesting?” asked the news anchor to the investigators. “Apparently, a person's Twitter trail reveals his locations - each time he sends a tweet, his whereabouts are also revealed,” said a private eye. “It’s not just that,” wailed another detective, “the user's time zone, his language and even the street that he's walking through can be identified based on his tweets. In other words, we’re history.”

Another news anchor specialising in covering protests dismissed the complaint. “There are rumours that even games like Angry Birds and other apps are being used to glean crucial information on a host of topics, from location to personal preferences of the user. It’s elementary to tap into the settings of a phone and once that’s done, everything from its browsing history and downloads, to the services opted for and other details can be unearthed. So why are you cribbing about Twitter?”

“But they are giving Facebook a run for their money when it comes to being the most sought-after messaging service for news on mobile devices," pleaded a detective. “Can’t they help us?” The guys at Twitter were mighty pleased with that. “Don’t worry,” they assured the detectives, “starting today, lurkers and creepy followers can all be blocked from viewing your posts. So, not everyone will be privy to the information about users.” With that, Twitter brought back the blocking feature to pacify the detectives, just hours after they had removed it.

Seeing this, the news channels were encouraged. “If people continue to catch up on news from Faceook, what'll happen to us? Just do something,” they told Mark from Facebook. “No way,” he replied. “In that case, we will be forced to retaliate,” warned the news channels. “We have unearthed a new app, appropriately titled the 'Facebook Time Machine’.” “And what does it do?” Mark yawned. “It helps calculate the time one has spent on Facebook ever since one registered, and reveals numbers right down to the last minute. It zips through a user’s account and, based on his updates and posts, will tell him how much time he has wasted on social media when he was supposed to be busy at work. Can you imagine what will happen if his boss gets to see it? The Facebook user’s life will be ‘all like, no hike’ from thereon. But we don't want things to come to this. So why don't you have some sympathy for us and do something about it?”

“That can be done at the touch of a button,” Mark smiled. And that was how Facebook began developing a ‘sympathise’ button.