The lies of Pi

It took a bit of technology to make a stunning revelation about Mars that left the planet red-faced.

Before technology kept little boys busy with PSPs, tablets and Attacknids, they had little to do except indulge in outrageous creative exercises, during which they imagined that they saw the emperor without his clothes or had conversations with stuffed tigers.

Close on the heels of the story about a boy who stayed afloat on a boat for months with a tiger for company, has come another incredible tale about this kid and his gigantic dog being lost in Mars. Apparently they were afloat for several days in the sea of tranquillity on the moon. And when they sighted Mars, the boy expected his companion to come back to him, with his tail wagging. But the dog simply looked up at the planet, howled and gravitated towards it.

Heartbroken, the boy got back to earth. Night after night, he watched the stars and the planets. And on one cloudless night, he zoomed into Mars and spotted the huge canine.

Needless to say, no one was willing to believe him - until he shot images of what he saw and posted them via Instagram. His argument was simple – if there could be a rabbit on the moon, why couldn’t there be a dog on Mars? Besides, Instagram itself was an acronym for ‘Mars giant.’ He sent a white paper on the topic to NASA, but they found his story unbelievable. The image of the dog on Mars soon featured on Facebook, which was the quickest and the most sure-fire way of catching the attention of any authority and predictably enough, the powers-that-be ordered a probe into the matter.

 A ‘name the dog’ contest was conducted online by an unknown body which also announced that Bill Gates would give away half his wealth to the name that most people liked. A tidal wave of creativity engulfed cyberspace and finally the dog on Mars was named Rover. A space song titled Hover like Rover was created by Snoop Dogg and The Mars Volta, an American rock group and went viral, infecting the entire planet.

Meanwhile, NASA decided to prove the boy’s story wrong and, leaving the moon and the rabbit alone, embarked on a mission to Mars. If it didn’t work, at least they had good footage from Brian De Palma’s movie of the same name that they could beam across to the world.

There were several parallels between their mission and the child’s story. To start with, there was a Rover, but it was the robotic space vehicle that they had sent to Mars – Curiosity Rover. The incredible story of the boy’s space odyssey with his dog was the outcome of a child’s curiosity, and NASA’s next expedition to Mars in 2020 was nicknamed Curiosity’s child - aptly so, as it would be based on Mars Science Laboratory (MSL) architecture, which was used to design and develop the Curiosity rover.

But the clincher was what the Rover - the space exploration vehicle - dug up. It was a bone, which not only proved that life existed on Mars, but also the fact that Rover - the dog - had hidden the bone playfully, hoping to find it later on an acid-rainy day. The dog was wrong about the acid rain, but the kid was right about there being a dog on the planet. With the exhumed part of the skeleton becoming a bone of contention, the space organization finally decided to go with the child’s story – and that’s how, when we look at the sky with superhuman vision or through a high-powered telescope, we can spot a dog on Mars. 

Tracker, scanner, detector, spy...

Man’s got no place to hide, because technology’s quietly shadowing him everywhere.

First there was nothing. Then came the fig leaf that clung on for centuries. And just when man decided not to give a fig about it anymore, technology took a leaf out of Lex Luthor’s creations – and radiation blocking underwear was created.

No, seriously. It’s already available abroad and could soon cover the entire globe. To understand the demand for this product, we need to go back in time to Hollywood, because research has shown that 97.5% of all people understand technology only when it is demonstrated in an English movie, is set in the future and features either an action hero or Keanu Reeves.

The year was 1990, when a Schwarzenegger-starrer titled Total Recall was released. It showed the future with total body scanners that bombarded the human body with powerful X-ray blasts. People would walk past a screen and their skeletons would be seen from the other side.

Then came the era of biometrics, made popular in films like Mission Impossible, Gattaca and Minority Report, where an individual's retina, fingertips, DNA, molars, premolars and canines – in short, everything except his ID Card - were scanned to ascertain his identity. Another system of tracking made popular by Bond movies like On Her Majesty's Secret Service and Casino Royale, and sci-fi and action movies like Demolition Man, The Day the Earth Stood Still and Safe House was RFID.

Things could have stopped there, but since man's curiosity constantly gets the better of him, he moved on from writing Software For Dummies to writing software for dummies. And the result is available in every major store worldwide, in the form of store mannequins - with a difference. These are as inquisitive as we are, and constantly seek to collect information about the shoppers.

They have a camera for an eye, are installed with facial recognition software and record everything, including the way you looked at the attractive woman in the other corner of the store and walked up to her on the pretext of examining shirts in the nearby rack, and to your utter disappointment, found that the shirts were actually neatly folded aprons and the pretty woman, another mannequin. Thus vital information is gathered about you – the mannequins have noted that you not only have a roving eye, but also myopic vision that can't see distant objects very clearly. So the next time you visit a mall, a bouncer grabs you at the car park, sets right that glad eye and then whisks you away to the nearest Lawrence & Mayo where your short sight is rectified. Needless to say, you pay for both and the world of retail remains eternally grateful to technology.

Unfortunately for you, the evolution of this peek-a-boo technology is not likely to stop here. The next step could well be a combination of some of the technologies mentioned above. Consider a scenario where these mannequins are fitted with the x-ray scanners seen in Total Recall. (Incidentally, this technology actually became a reality when such scanners were installed in airports. Most passengers felt outraged that their skeletons were being ogled at, leading to such full-body scans at airports being appropriately named terminal exposure.) Besides laughing all the way to the bank, the retail stores fitted with these mannequins would also be giggling their way to the security room where scantily clad images of customers will be displayed on multiple monitors.

Without an iota of doubt, there will be immense pressure from various bodies (pun not intended) to stop such scans. And if they have it their way, there's only one thing that various leading innerwear brands can do with their gargantuan piles of radiation blocking underwear in every store - total recall.

Technology - with a twist

The story of how technology added zing to the world’s oldest Bollywood plot…

Not knowing big names in Bollywood can be quite a problem - especially when you have a brilliant idea and can't see it come to life on the big screen. Like a sequel to a lost and found story - with a twist of course.

It has three brothers who get lost because of technology and in the end, it’s technology that brings them together. It begins with the father - on the run from a gang of goons - messaging his wife, asking her to check her inbox. He had sent a mail, giving her directions to meet him at the neighbourhood park and take care of their three sons until he returned. Unfortunately, the mail gets into the spam folder because he unintentionally mails it to his girlfriends as well. And his wife doesn’t see it.

The father, after hours of waiting in the park, finally sets out to look for the mother. To make sure that the kids didn't disturb the couples there, he gives the three brothers an iPhone, an iPod and an iPad respectively. As fate would have it, the iPhone has no signal, the iPod has no songs and the iPad has no flash support, so the three brothers go in search of the missing elements in their lives and are duly lost.

The passage of time is shown by a download in progress. Once it reaches 100%, we dissolve to the present. One of the brothers decides to look for his siblings and begins tweeting, using the Twitter handle @luk4akbr_antny. To his surprise, he gets a response from a stranger tweeting as @luk4amr_antny. Could this be the second brother? Now, all he needed to do was find the person with the Twitter handle @luk4amr_akbr and the family would be together again.

Meanwhile, the second brother is doing his own search. He records the family song and makes it go viral on YouTube. The good news is that he gets a billion views. The bad news is PSY and Justin Bieber had more hits, but they couldn’t be his long-lost brothers.

Finally, the youngest brother tries using Instagram to locate his brothers. An image with the hashtag #oldhouse keeps popping up - it is his old house where he had stayed with his brothers. He also sees an image of a park with the hashtag #linkinpark – this park would be the vital link as all three brothers separated here.

He switches on Google maps and after a long adventure, which involves a couple of romantic duets and a fight, finds the park. The couples he saw on that fateful day are still there, but there’s no sign of his brothers. Another dead end. Not willing to give up, he gets on to Google. It is Brother's Day and to celebrate it, the Google doodle shows three brothers on a specially made cycle for three. This had to be a sign! He uploads a photo of his tattoo on Google+. Within an hour, he gets three responses, one from a corporate professional with a LinkedIn profile, the second from a Casanova with a Lavalife profile and the third from a jobless youth with a Facebook profile.

The youngest brother is puzzled - he was expecting just two responses. Who was the third? He calls all of them to the park. That's where he figures that the Facebook and LinkedIn profiles belong to his brothers. The Casanova turns out to be his Dad. 

The goons land up, there’s a big fight, the brothers win and the family song plays in the background as all of them happily connect with one another through the Family Tree app on Facebook. 

I love this game, but…

Technology has done so much to improve the game of cricket, and yet…

"I love this game, but it’s never-ending! There's only so much that one can take."

That was the world's first recorded crib on cricket from a fan who tottered out of the stadium in Kingsmead, Durban. It was the 14th of March, 1939, the scene of the Timeless Test between England and South Africa that had gone on for 10 days - and still ended up being a draw.

Unfortunately, economists and world leaders outside of the three and half cricket-playing nations had little interest in the game, otherwise they would have found the actual cause for the Great Depression - years of zero productivity because the crowds were forever watching cricket. And the matches were simply not showing any signs of getting over.

As always, the wise men got into their huddle and decided that the only way to end the depression was to change the way cricket was played. Test cricket was soon limited to five days. However, while this reduced the duration of the game, it did little to help overcome the financial shortcomings. The wise men returned for another innings.

This time around, they decided to use technology to change the way cricket was watched. Radio commentary began and soon cricket was televised - a new channel for earning revenue had opened up. Meanwhile, the game continued to get shorter - one day cricket was introduced and a couple of decades later, the more abbreviated version, T20 would revolutionise world cricket.

Technology soon added video replays - and a third umpire, to review decisions. Dizzy camera angles gave exciting new perspectives to the game, from the bird's eye view through cameras attached to blimps, to the worm's eye view provided by stump vision. The five-day action that was speeded up to last a little over three hours in a T20 game was also slowed down to 1000 frames a second to capture every nuance of the game and every tiny strand of nasal hair that quivered in synch with the background music when a fast bowler thundered in to deliver.

Ball tracking technology brought in Hawk-Eye to find out if the ball would have gone on to hit the stumps. Hot spot left the umpire in a tight spot in case he had wrongly given a batsman out lbw despite the bat making contact with the ball.  Snickometer revealed if the batsman had edged a ball to the keeper. Dazzling graphics packages helped draw manhattans, worms and wagon wheels that could be superimposed on the field. Both stumps and key players were 'wired' with mikes to catch more of what was happening on the field.

Websites began to cover the game, live commentary online ensured that office productivity went from dismal to abysmal and live streaming ensured that fans could become couch potatoes even at the workplace.  Sirji and 3G ensured that the game could be followed on the mobile as well. YouTube had zillions of hours of footage for cricket buffs to prove their point in an argument. Blogs turned millions of fans into cricket scribes while social networking sites turned them into selectors, commentators and critics.

Thanks to technology, the mobile, the computer and the TV now covered every game played, from Australia vs England to Awesome Adyars vs Enigmatic Egatturs. Each game was short and crisp, just about the duration of a three-hour commercial flick. The wise men approached the cricket fan. Now there surely couldn't be any cribs - everything had been sorted out. They asked him. He looked at them bleary-eyed.

"I love this game, but it’s never-ending! There's only so much that one can take."

The (tri)cycle of life

A white paper on the evolution of mankind across three very important eras.

There have been various theories floated on man’s evolution, but now, a detailed study has helped classify and document the progression into three eras - mythological, illogical and technological.

The mythological era lasted from 10,000 BC to the time television was invented. Next came the illogical era, the age of cynicism that coincided with the invasion of TV. Notably, glimpses of the first era were depicted through long-drawn, but popular serials with disastrous production values, causing people to scoff at arrows flying in slow motion and laugh at the funny wigs that everyone wore. The technological era began with the advent of social networking.

Now for some pertinent details on each of them.

The Mythological Era

It was an era when nothing defied belief, not even gravity. Man could fly, levitate, change his form at will and take on a new identity. He could make himself invisible. He could enter any place and slip away unnoticed. He had the powers to see things that occurred thousands of miles away. He could beam himself across the seven seas or interact with anyone from halfway across the world. He had devised magical mantras that could open locked doors. Only he could utter them - if someone else tried, it wouldn't have the same effect. From cities beneath the sea to herbs growing on a faraway mountain, he could locate anything in a second.

The Illogical Era

This was an era when nothing defied gravity, not even belief. Man picked up his remote and sank into his couch, only to vegetate happily ever after. The past was a myth; everything about it was illogical. If he was really meant to fly, he would have sprouted wings. Sure, planes had been invented by then, but they wouldn’t take off – either the airlines was grounded or the pilots were on strike.  If he was meant to go invisible at will, he wouldn't have been given a beer belly that had nowhere to hide. And those mantras couldn’t help him unlock a piggy bank, let alone open the vault at Fort Knox.

So man convinced himself that everything that had to be invented had already been invented and that stories from the past about teleportation, telekinesis and telepathy were not as real as teleshopping for weight loss products.

The Technological Era

This is the current era, where nothing defies belief, not even Gangnam Style. (One does talk about horses for courses, but horsing around in the middle of a dance does call for suspension of disbelief.) Social networking allowed man to change his form at will and take on a new identity. (On last count, Facebook had 83 million fake profiles.) He could make himself invisible during chat sessions. Hacking enabled him to enter any place and slip away unnoticed. Webcasts and podcasts gave him the powers to see things that would take place thousands of miles away. Skype allowed him to interact with anyone from halfway across the world. Voice-enabled passwords became his magic mantra that could open locks - and biometric technology made sure that only he could use them. If someone else tried, it wouldn't have the same effect. Google allowed him to search and locate anything in a jiffy, from cities beneath the sea to herbs growing on a faraway mountain.

As for levitation, he’s still cracking it. Once Spielberg and Apple join hands to mass-produce the hoverboard that was featured in Back to the Future 2, it’ll be a reality. 

Getting to the 100-crore club

The scoop on how technology is helping Bollywood get to the billion figure mark with alarming regularity…

Bollywood. An opulent set of a large haveli abutted by sunflower fields on one side and the Swiss Alps on the other. Inside, everything’s covered in white cloth, except for a table in the center, with the industry’s biggest names (that will not be mentioned here to protect identities) seated in a huddle.

A baritone voice boomed across the table. "I'm sick and tired of our films being compared to Hollywood's technical wizardry all the time. Why should it always be about their technology, digital marvels and software simulations? What should be done to add technology to Bollywood?”

“I've brought in a couple of young computer guys who have a few suggestions…” a senior director mumbled. “Ok, we need technology that will give us access to any song, movie, plot, script or story that we might take a fancy to,” a producer winked as he proceeded to brief them. “And we should be able to search across 130 languages.”

The pair began their presentation. “We’ve been put through a crash course of the 100 kitschiest Bollywood blockbusters and have spotted the areas where technology can be of the greatest help to you.”

“We’ll begin with an audio application called Shazam,” said the first techie. “Just install it in your mobile, turn the application on and hold it near an audio source – it will automatically identify the song and it’s all yours.” “You mean we could take any of it and be… suitably inspired, right?” the famous lyricist wanted to know.

This tendency to ‘copy left, right and center’ had already led to an abbreviated use of the expression - copyleft, a term which meant that every piece of work was freely available to be downloaded and open to modification. It was Bollywood’s contribution to technology, but then, the world was not yet ready for such shocking revelations.

“Incredible! And what if I know the tune, but don't have the song with me?” asked the music director. “You could use Midomi. Hum the tune into the mike - the application will instantly find the complete song. The other option is Musipedia - a virtual keyboard will appear on your screen and you can play a tune on it. The original song will be located at once.”

“What about scenes? We love to lift scenes as well, you know...” stated the writer. “There is AnyClip, a website that has categorized scenes according to genre, year of release, actors, whatever...” The second techie continued. “You can even enter a line of dialogue and it will help you identify the movie.”

“We make around 1000 movies a year - we can't write the stories for all of them, you know...” the maverick moviemaker trailed off. “You could enter key words like boy meets girl, brothers separated at birth, lost and found or love triangle in Jinni.com or IMDb – it’ll throw up several plots and storylines for you to choose from,” the first techie added.

“What about complete scripts? There are times when one needs to rip off complete scripts,” said the head of a leading production house. “IMSDB would assist you on that. Musicals, award-winning scripts, family drama - take your pick,” said the duo.

“But the future is all about 100 crore blockbusters – can you ensure that?” enquired the lead actor. The duo shrugged. “You could launch a start-up and hire us.” “How will that help?” asked Team Bollywood.

“Even if your movie doesn’t sell, your start-up will – you are sure to make your billion.”  

A tryst with technology

(Note: This is the writer's cut and an unpublished version...)

After years of Indian cinema pinching from Hollywood, Silicon Valley retaliates with a ‘same pinch’.

September 27, 1998. Bollywood. A large haveli abutted by sunflower fields on one side and the Swiss Alps on the other.

Big B's baritone voice boomed across the table. "I'm sick and tired of our films being compared to Hollywood's technical wizardry all the time. Why should it always be about their technology, digital marvels and software simulations? What should be done to add technology to Bollywood?”

“I've brought in a couple of young computer guys who have a few suggestions…” Yashji mumbled. “Ok, we need technology that will give us access to any song, movie, plot, script or story that we might take a fancy to,” Mahesh Bhatt briefed them. “It would be ideal if there can be a single point from which we can access all of them,” he winked.

“We’ll begin with an audio application called Shazam,” said the first techie. “Just install it in your machine, turn the application on and hold an audio source near it – it will automatically identify the song and it’s all yours.”

“Incredible! And what if I know the tune, but don't have the song with me?” asked Bhatt. “You could use Midomi. Hum the tune into the mike - the application will instantly find the complete song. The other option is Musipedia - a virtual keyboard will appear on your screen and you can play a tune on it. The original song will be located at once.”

“What about scenes? We love to lift scenes as well you know...” mumbled Yashji. “There is AnyClip, a website that has categorized scenes according to genre, year of release, actors, whatever...” the second techie continued. “You can even enter a line of dialogue and it will help you identify the movie.”

“We make around 1000 movies a year - we can't write the stories for all of them, you know...” Bhatt trailed off. “You could enter key words like boy meets girl, brothers separated at birth, lost and found or love triangle in Jinni.com or IMDb – it’ll throw up several plots and storylines for you to choose from,” the first techie added.

“What about complete scripts? There are times when one needs to rip off complete scripts,” said Bhatt. “IMSDB would assist you on that. Musicals, award-winning scripts, family drama - take your pick.”

“Wait a minute!” Bhatt sat up. “But all these sound like different sites to me. Are you sure they are all yours?” “No, they are not,” replied the first techie. “But our site will take you to all of them.”

“The future is all about 100 crore blockbusters – can you ensure that?” enquired Big B. The duo shrugged. “You could have a start-up and hire us.” “How will that help?” asked Team Bollywood. “Even if your movie doesn’t sell, your start-up will - you are sure to make your billion.” 

The trio got into a huddle. “What do you think?” “I don’t know, it sounds so farfetched that even our ridiculous storylines and action sequences sound more believable.” “We’ll get back to you,” they chorused, but never did.

The techies soon met a VC and things worked out. Their new company would offer a single window from where one could search for anything. Needless to say, the idea was pinched from the Bollywood meeting. And that was how Google came into existence.

And that’s also why, despite September 7 being the day when Google was incorporated, September 27 is celebrated as its birthday. For, that was the day Larry Page and Sergey Brin were ‘suitably inspired’ by Bollywood’s big idea.