The Browser Kingdom

Technology helps find another link between man and animals in the evolution saga - browsers.

Once upon a time, animals - of the herbivorous kind - were happy grazing the land and eating health food. But once man got into the act, grass and herbs became scarce in the plains. The grazers soon had to set their sights higher – literally - and began scouting for taller plants so that they could nibble at their leaves. This practice of checking out various sites for food came to be known as browsing and the animals that indulged in browsing were collectively called browsers. Ancient records suggest that have been classified into five types, based on their behaviour:

1. Atavists: These animals browse only in places where their ancestors had browsed and do not seek greener pastures. Even if there were newer options, they wouldn't try it. Why? Because they’re creatures of habit.

2. Zeitgeists: Like free spirits, they roam around with gay abandon, but stay in herds and stick to their family. The springbok is a classic example that comes to mind.

3. Universalists: They don't stress on territorial domination like other browsers, but believe that life's a journey that’s for free and that anyone can browse where they do.

4. Accommodationists: They'll share, they’ll compromise, they’ll adjust - and there will never be any complaints. And they can afford to do so because their feeling of security is simply unmatched.

5. Cabalists: They're the secretive type. They'll be furtive and give away no indication that they're browsing – yup, the ‘eat, shoot and leave’ types.  

Technology, which has always borrowed so heavily from nature - read artificial neural networks from the nervous system, auto-pilot navigation technology from pigeons, and velcro from burrs in plant seeds, amongst a zillion others - couldn't resist taking a leaf out of this one. And that was how web browsers came to be. Soon, people began to be identified based on the browser they used.

1. Atavists: They use Internet Explorer - and only Internet Explorer. Why? Because they began their journey into the worldwide web using IE and have been with it for generations now, updating themselves with every version that has been released. Chances are, they’re using their office laptop and are not allowed to download anything without admin permission. But more importantly, they'll never try, possibly because they have always been that way.

2. Zeitgeists: They’re ardent followers of Google Chrome. Like free spirits, they flit in and out of all Google products, making sure that they always stick to the Google family. If the springbok is a classic representation of the browser (animal), the country it comes from is dominant in the logo of Chrome, with its rainbow colours. To zeitgeists, Google itself is a plus, so Google Plus simply multiplies their joy. 

3. Universalists: They’re true Firefox loyalists and totally believe in the open source philosophy. That's what makes them universalists – the only code that they hold on to is that every source code must be let go of.

4. Accommodationists: They're staunch Safari fans. And just as the browser is designed both for the Mac and Windows OS, they'll accommodate any opposing point of view. Adobe Flash may not work, but they're ok with that. Some websites may not be configured to their browser - they'll take that in their stride as well. The bottomline is, they know that the kind of security their browser gives them is simply unmatched.

5. Cabalists: They're the Opera type, but without the theatrics. And yes, they're the secretive type too. Opera allows them to trawl the depths of the web and download any kind of content, but keeps them safe and unseen. (Now you know where the phrase 'stealth browsing' came from!)

So which kind are you?

With friends like these…

Feeling depressed? Can’t focus on work? Lost your appetite? Can’t sleep at nights? Millions of people are suffering from the same symptoms that you are. And the problem is the same – you are unable to become popular on Facebook. So how do you know if people really want to be your friend? Take the following test and find out. Respond to each statement with a simple Yes or No.

1.      You reach the bottom of your Facebook page without scrolling down even once

2.       The only message that you see prominently is that ‘There are no older posts left to show’

3.       A whole week passes and none of your friends are celebrating a birthday

4.       Nobody has poked you or has sent you a quiz on which animal you resemble while sleeping

5.       You have never been tagged in a photo

6.       You stay away from Facebook for a whole day, but no one wants to know why

7.       No comment of yours has ever been shared

8.       None of your posts have been liked

9.       Your friend requests rarely get accepted

10.   You never get invited to join the Uvula Lovers page or the I Miss Bell-bottoms group

If you have said ‘Yes’ to even one of these statements, you have a problem. However, it’s not the end of the world. (And we’re not saying that just because Dec 21 has come and gone.) An expert application software developer has come forward with a host of free apps that you can download and change your destiny.

LIKE (Liv It Kewl Enterprise) is a start-up founded by Shawn Fanning, who, after the Napster debacle, realized that he didn’t have a friend in the world – or at least on Facebook. So he decided to do something about it – and the result was LIKE apps. Here are the most downloaded ones:

Paris Hilton app: This helps present your best-looking friends and celebs right at the top of your friends list when someone is looking through your profile page or timeline.

FILO (First In Last Out) app: Regardless of whenever you respond to anyone's update, your comment will always be seen as the most recent one, with all the other comments collapsed under ‘View 83 more comments’.

Fevicol app: Your post will stick to the top half of the screen even if there are a zillion posts before yours, so your friends can see your status update without having to scroll down and will never miss out on what you have to say.

Terminator app: You thought you were the first to comment on the topic. You were sure that yours was the smartest one-liner. You were wrong. The bad news is that the whole world posted on it. And worse – every other comment has more ‘likes’ than yours. The Terminator app comes in handy during such times – to locate and delete all other comments that have the same key words.

Boomerang app: Imagine writing a message loaded with terms of endearment, sending it and realizing that you’ve got the recipient wrong. The Boomerang app, once activated, will find the message and fling it right back into your inbox, where you can decide on what to do with it.

John Doe app: Someone irritating you like crazy? Someone updating their status 200 times a day, flooding your page with their wreckage? Blocking their posts is mild. You could do better with the John Doe app which allows you to post nasty comments without revealing your identity.

If you’re not sure about any of these apps, just share them on Facebook and see the results. After all, that’s what friends are for. 

The Great Tech Party

One infernal night, the world’s leading social media websites came to life. And this is what happened next…

December 2012 ended up being the month of delayed tech launches. From the iPhone 5 in South Korea to the Unha-3 rocket in North Korea, from the Grand Theft Auto 5 to the Xbox 720, the festive spirit had obviously slowed things down. Things were no different at USA (Ulhasnagar Spurious Applications), the hotbed of duplicate products.

A deadly trio was to be launched before the year ended - Acebook, a networking site for friends and family, Interest, an online photo-sharing site and EuTube, a video sharing site. And the plan was simple - to overtake the current favourites - Facebook, Pinterest and YouTube - and become the choice of a billion. The delay had been a deterrent, but if the plan could work in December, it could work in January as well, right?

"So what’s this plan?" asked Interest. "Simple," growled Acebook, "We'll bring them all together and then unleash a deadly virus that'll finish them all." "How about inviting them all to a party?" enquired EuTube. "I like that," said Acebook, showing the thumbs up sign. "But what kind of party? We missed the New Year bash."

"Let’s have a great tech party - the kind the world has never seen," replied EuTube, changing channels. "But we've got to keep it young and happening - wouldn't want those 30-plus relics like PC, Mouse and Floppy to land up." "I'm pinning my hope on you guys to do something about it," said Interest. EuTube thought for a while. "Let's have 30 years as a cut-off – only those under 30 will be allowed entry." "Fantastic - I wish I could share this," mused Acebook. And so the day was fixed, invites were forwarded - and the crowd began to land up.

As expected, GooglePlus, Picasa and GMail hung out together. Flickster and MouthShut were huddled in a corner, discussing movies. "Where's Geni?" someone asked. "Sorry, no family types allowed in this party," guffawed EuTube. GoodReads walked in, but left in a huff when Pink Floyd's 'We Don't Need No Education' was blared across the dance floor. LinkedIn felt a bit out of place as it was not a party for the serious types. 

DeviantArt's entry was greeted with sniggers from Instagram and Flickr. "Here comes the arty type," they whispered. MySpace and Orkut stared into their empty glasses, sighing from time to time. "At least, it's not all gloom and doom for us," said Orkut pointing at another corner where Google Buzz, Google Wave and iGoogle were crying into their kerchiefs. "What's that crowd there?" wondered Digg. "Oh, those 140 characters out there? That's Twitter," said Blogger enviously.

EuTube, Acebook and Interest quietly retreated behind Acebook's wall. "Now," Acebook whispered, "let the virus loose." "I already did," Interest whispered back. "Then why is nothing happening?" Acebook wondered aloud. "What could have gone wrong?" asked EuTube, tears streaming down his face in real time. Interest looked around, rapidly capturing pictures of everyone around. "Hey, where's Internet? He's not to be found. All I got was a 404 message..."

EuTube rapidly went through the video footage of the evening. "Hey look, he was here, but the security didn't let him in." "So that's why the virus didn't spread," Acebook commented, "because there was no Internet. And they all got away." "But why didn’t the security guys didn't let him in?" wondered Interest. Acebook turned blue in the face. "Things would have been different had we been launched in December 2012.” “Why?” enquired EuTube.  

“Don’t you know? Internet turned 30 on Jan 1st this year."

The Mayan Job

The secret behind why the world didn't come to an end on 21.12.12 - finally cracked by technology.

The wizened Mayan Chief rubbed his eyes and woke up. D-day was here. The Montes Azules Biosphere Reserve seemed to vibrate with a kind of energy he had never experienced before. He quickly logged into his laptop - he had to send a farewell message to his brothers in the Yucatán Peninsula. His Facebook account came alive –and he stared at the first post on his page with disbelief. 'The end of the world, which was scheduled for 2012, has been postponed due to some technical glitches. You are hereby ordered to carry on with your life until further notice.'

"By the might of Maximon," he roared, invoking the Mayan saint, "I'll have to get to the bottom of this. Get me the Mayan calendar. And somebody who can read it." His deputy looked at him shocked. "I keep going in circles when I try to decipher it," he muttered. "Someone who can interpret codes, perhaps?" his deputy suggested helpfully. "Nah!" the Chief sneered. "There's only one that the world knows of and you saw what he did to the Louvre and the Vatican. Get me someone who can crack computer programs, but has his values intact." "Ah, you mean an ethical hacker," the Deputy quietly sniggered into his Tzute when the Chief wasn't looking. "But why a computer professional?"

"Because," the Chief's voice grew into a whisper, "the ancient Mayan calendar is actually a representation of the world's first analog computer - the Antikythera mechanism. See the concentric circles, the gears and the wheels – while the former is carved in stone, the latter is made of metal." The deputy's jaw dropped onto the fine hand-woven Zapotec rug. "Ok, I'll get on the job," he agreed and was back a few hours later with a man who looked like a Hollywood star.

"Meet Seth Green," he introduced the visitor. The Mayan Chief surveyed him from head to toe. "Is he a certified hacker?" "I don't know about his qualification, but you should have seen him in the movie, The Italian Job. He hacked into Los Angeles' automated traffic system and created..." The Chief cut him off. "What else can he do?" "Well, according to him, he's the real Napster, so he’s the guy we should be thanking for all those years of listening to ‘The Final Countdown’ online in anticipation of the end of the world.”

The Chief nodded sagely and looked at Seth squarely in the eye. "Help us and I'll produce the sequel to The Italian Job for you. I know that the script – The Brazilian Job - has been in cold storage for a while now. But,” he paused, “a tactical change has to be made..." Seth jumped at the offer. "Chill, we’ll call it The Mayan Job from hereon. So what do I need to do?"

"The Mayan calendar was supposed to have predicted the end of the world on 21.12.12, so why didn't it happen?" Seth thought for a while. He then took out his tablet and busied himself with some calculations. "I got it," he jumped up. "Look, your deputy told me that the Mayan calendar was actually a representation of a computer. So you should have looked for the inscription of the date in binary, not as whole numbers. So, 21.12.2012 is written in binary as 10101.1100.11111011100. Since binary has no decimals, you get 10101110011111011100, which when converted to whole numbers is 714716, or 7.1.4716. So the end of the world is not until 4716, which is 2703 years away. Now, could we discuss the budgets for The Mayan Job?"

The cable & wireless series

Historical evidence reveals that wireless communication is not a new fad, but a centuries-old practice.

News has it that a high profile project is currently on to develop a wireless communication system that can transmit data at 100 Gbps, across an incredible distance of up to 120 miles. To put that in perspective, a new film carefully locked up in the hard disk of a high-end computer in a studio in Chennai can be 

transmitted in roughly a hundredth of a second to Venkatagirikota - all two hours and twenty three minutes of it - and burnt onto a million DVDs before the first reel gets to the second frame. But since this column adopts a strong anti-piracy stance, we'll overlook such disturbing uses for new technology and focus on the more productive ones. (Yes, that means you will have to catch that flick in the theatres.)

The first ever wireless communication system was developed by the Persians, and later adopted by the Greeks and the Romans. It was far more advanced that the present one - they could transmit messages beyond the 120 mile barrier and could send several Terabytes of data, as long as it could fit into a little scroll which was rolled into a tiny packet and sent through a pigeon network.

However, most people began forwarding useless jokes and small messages in less than 140 characters which gave rise to the now-popular small packet problem and caused a congestion collapse. Besides, mischief mongers would catch pigeons and interchange the messages they were carrying - this led to packet switching issues as well. Special packet protocols were created to ensure that such glitches could be controlled in future. Well, the future is here - and so are the problems. Obviously things have not worked out as planned.

But the concept of wireless technology has been gainfully exploited by mobiles, with most leading mobile manufacturers offering wireless charging. Nokia, for instance has introduced the Lumia series of mobiles with a charging plate called the Fatboy Pillow on which they can be rested, to be completely charged.

Unhappy with this development, mobile users have launched a series of complaints citing that mobiles now have an unfair advantage over man. Apparently, a couple of them were fired from their jobs when they were caught resting on comfortable, fluffy pillows at work. They tried to reason that they were simply getting charged up for the job on hand, but the management wouldn't listen. Life was unfair – why was it that when they rested on pillows, they were derogatively referred to as couch potatoes, but the mobiles resting on their Fatboy Pillows were called ‘smart’ phones?

This complaint didn’t go down well with the potatoes – the tuber population had enough reason to be annoyed with this insulting reference, for they were playing a key role in wireless research. Around 20,000 pounds of potatoes were used for testing wireless signals inside an aircraft. After careful observation, the scientists had decided that sacks of potatoes best replicated human behaviour – the converse was also found to be true, especially when a TV was switched on.

The experiment has not only resulted in a major breakthrough in Wi-Fi in the sky, but has also given the food industry the secret of making light original potato chips - sending the potatoes 40,000 feet in the air made them lose excess starch. However, the wireless charging technology for mobiles – not involving potatoes - can be traced back to the Chinese theory of energy flow, known as Qi.

So, even as technology is freeing itself from the maze of wires, we are being strung along like puppets on a string. But there’s nothing new about that – which is why every new invention is merely history repeating itself. 

The lies of Pi

It took a bit of technology to make a stunning revelation about Mars that left the planet red-faced.

Before technology kept little boys busy with PSPs, tablets and Attacknids, they had little to do except indulge in outrageous creative exercises, during which they imagined that they saw the emperor without his clothes or had conversations with stuffed tigers.

Close on the heels of the story about a boy who stayed afloat on a boat for months with a tiger for company, has come another incredible tale about this kid and his gigantic dog being lost in Mars. Apparently they were afloat for several days in the sea of tranquillity on the moon. And when they sighted Mars, the boy expected his companion to come back to him, with his tail wagging. But the dog simply looked up at the planet, howled and gravitated towards it.

Heartbroken, the boy got back to earth. Night after night, he watched the stars and the planets. And on one cloudless night, he zoomed into Mars and spotted the huge canine.

Needless to say, no one was willing to believe him - until he shot images of what he saw and posted them via Instagram. His argument was simple – if there could be a rabbit on the moon, why couldn’t there be a dog on Mars? Besides, Instagram itself was an acronym for ‘Mars giant.’ He sent a white paper on the topic to NASA, but they found his story unbelievable. The image of the dog on Mars soon featured on Facebook, which was the quickest and the most sure-fire way of catching the attention of any authority and predictably enough, the powers-that-be ordered a probe into the matter.

 A ‘name the dog’ contest was conducted online by an unknown body which also announced that Bill Gates would give away half his wealth to the name that most people liked. A tidal wave of creativity engulfed cyberspace and finally the dog on Mars was named Rover. A space song titled Hover like Rover was created by Snoop Dogg and The Mars Volta, an American rock group and went viral, infecting the entire planet.

Meanwhile, NASA decided to prove the boy’s story wrong and, leaving the moon and the rabbit alone, embarked on a mission to Mars. If it didn’t work, at least they had good footage from Brian De Palma’s movie of the same name that they could beam across to the world.

There were several parallels between their mission and the child’s story. To start with, there was a Rover, but it was the robotic space vehicle that they had sent to Mars – Curiosity Rover. The incredible story of the boy’s space odyssey with his dog was the outcome of a child’s curiosity, and NASA’s next expedition to Mars in 2020 was nicknamed Curiosity’s child - aptly so, as it would be based on Mars Science Laboratory (MSL) architecture, which was used to design and develop the Curiosity rover.

But the clincher was what the Rover - the space exploration vehicle - dug up. It was a bone, which not only proved that life existed on Mars, but also the fact that Rover - the dog - had hidden the bone playfully, hoping to find it later on an acid-rainy day. The dog was wrong about the acid rain, but the kid was right about there being a dog on the planet. With the exhumed part of the skeleton becoming a bone of contention, the space organization finally decided to go with the child’s story – and that’s how, when we look at the sky with superhuman vision or through a high-powered telescope, we can spot a dog on Mars. 

Tracker, scanner, detector, spy...

Man’s got no place to hide, because technology’s quietly shadowing him everywhere.

First there was nothing. Then came the fig leaf that clung on for centuries. And just when man decided not to give a fig about it anymore, technology took a leaf out of Lex Luthor’s creations – and radiation blocking underwear was created.

No, seriously. It’s already available abroad and could soon cover the entire globe. To understand the demand for this product, we need to go back in time to Hollywood, because research has shown that 97.5% of all people understand technology only when it is demonstrated in an English movie, is set in the future and features either an action hero or Keanu Reeves.

The year was 1990, when a Schwarzenegger-starrer titled Total Recall was released. It showed the future with total body scanners that bombarded the human body with powerful X-ray blasts. People would walk past a screen and their skeletons would be seen from the other side.

Then came the era of biometrics, made popular in films like Mission Impossible, Gattaca and Minority Report, where an individual's retina, fingertips, DNA, molars, premolars and canines – in short, everything except his ID Card - were scanned to ascertain his identity. Another system of tracking made popular by Bond movies like On Her Majesty's Secret Service and Casino Royale, and sci-fi and action movies like Demolition Man, The Day the Earth Stood Still and Safe House was RFID.

Things could have stopped there, but since man's curiosity constantly gets the better of him, he moved on from writing Software For Dummies to writing software for dummies. And the result is available in every major store worldwide, in the form of store mannequins - with a difference. These are as inquisitive as we are, and constantly seek to collect information about the shoppers.

They have a camera for an eye, are installed with facial recognition software and record everything, including the way you looked at the attractive woman in the other corner of the store and walked up to her on the pretext of examining shirts in the nearby rack, and to your utter disappointment, found that the shirts were actually neatly folded aprons and the pretty woman, another mannequin. Thus vital information is gathered about you – the mannequins have noted that you not only have a roving eye, but also myopic vision that can't see distant objects very clearly. So the next time you visit a mall, a bouncer grabs you at the car park, sets right that glad eye and then whisks you away to the nearest Lawrence & Mayo where your short sight is rectified. Needless to say, you pay for both and the world of retail remains eternally grateful to technology.

Unfortunately for you, the evolution of this peek-a-boo technology is not likely to stop here. The next step could well be a combination of some of the technologies mentioned above. Consider a scenario where these mannequins are fitted with the x-ray scanners seen in Total Recall. (Incidentally, this technology actually became a reality when such scanners were installed in airports. Most passengers felt outraged that their skeletons were being ogled at, leading to such full-body scans at airports being appropriately named terminal exposure.) Besides laughing all the way to the bank, the retail stores fitted with these mannequins would also be giggling their way to the security room where scantily clad images of customers will be displayed on multiple monitors.

Without an iota of doubt, there will be immense pressure from various bodies (pun not intended) to stop such scans. And if they have it their way, there's only one thing that various leading innerwear brands can do with their gargantuan piles of radiation blocking underwear in every store - total recall.