A chilling expose of
how technology unearthed a secret agent’s identity from Neanderthal paintings.
Marseille, France. Daniel Craig was experiencing a free fall
five miles above the earth. In exactly 15 seconds, he had to be in the caves of
Santillana del Mar in Cantabria, Northern Spain. He pressed a button on his
belt to unfold the Eurocopter, powered by Zorin microchip technology. Before he
could say ‘Oops, wrong button’, there was a huge explosion and he was at the
cave in the nick of time.
He struck a neon flare and heard a voice. “Welcome, Mr. Bond.”
It was Indiana Jones. “Do you know that you are not the first Bond here?” Craig
nodded. “I know, I’m the sixth…” “No, you are the seventh - the first Bond came
42,000 years ago.” “You can’t be serious,” Craig raised an eyebrow.
“We used advanced 3-d scanning - and employed digital reconstruction
to recreate images,” Indy continued. “Uranium-series technology helps – do you
know that uranium decays into a form of radioactive thorium when incorporated
into the minerals and...” “But these specimens are too minute to...” interjected
Craig, raising his other eyebrow. “I know, we used Accelerator Mass
Spectrometry radiocarbon dating for more accurate answers - we've taken all the
c14 atoms, you know...” “So what did you find?” asked Craig impatiently.
“See that cave painting there?” Indiana pointed to a
painting of a wheel with a man walking in the foreground. “That’s not a wheel. We
created a full‐scale, digital representation of the cave and used an enveloping
media installation – it layers the 3‐d laser scans onto the existing image.”
Craig shook his head. “But it's a wheel, see those six spokes...” “The wheel
wasn't invented until 8000 BC. This painting is 42,000 years old. Those, Mr.
Bond, aren't spokes, they are the chambers of the .38 calibre gun - and the man
seen walking before them was the first Bond.”
Indiana continued. “He was forever bound to the wheel - so
they started calling him Bound for short. Since it sounded so much like Bourne,
they removed the u and began calling him Bond. That’s when he began the ‘name's
Bond' routine. But, with the poor acoustics of the caves, it sounded like James
Bond. And that was how it all started.
40,000 BC. The caves of Santillana del Mar. Q takes Bond to
a secret chamber inside the cave. “This is the latest in communication devices
- the smoke signal SS C902. You are assured of a signal at all times. Works
without a battery. Leaves no traces because it burns itself out…”
“Technology,” said Bond, shaking his head. Q then displayed an
ejector mechanism. "This will lift you off your seat and propel you 30
feet across. It comprises desiccated cactus thorns - I've hardened them further
with a mix of ethylene glycol monoacetate and diacetate. Just sit on it - the built-in
ejector mechanism will do the rest.” “This is cutting-edge stuff,” cried Bond. “There’s
more,” said Q blushing, “I'm still working on the tiger skin camouflage jacket
that can change into a deerskin blazer when worn inside out...” He was cut
short by a loud rumble.
"Run," yelled Q. "That’s Dr. Hannibal Lecter
– and he’s hungry!" “Haven't you invented anything that can save us?” “I
don't know,” mumbled Q. “There's the Aston Martin Vanquish, a high-tech cart
that can become invisible, but there’s only space for one.” And he dived into
the cart. Bond was left alone to face Hannibal.
“It’s nice to have a celebrity for dinner,” purred Dr.
Lecter. “Doctor… No!” The screams echoed
across the caves for centuries until Hollywood heard them.
The rest, as they say, is history.
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