If you think
technology has made our lives complicated, spare a thought for the mobiles…
Ask any mobile and it will tell you that one of the biggest
problems it faces is Electro Mannetic Radiation (EMR) – in other words, harmful
radiation from man - in the form of body odour and bad breath – that can send
it into a state of shock. The problem is not only limited to such unsafe emission,
but also to prolonged exposure to nonsensical conversations carried out by people
with suboptimal intelligence. This is measured by mobiles in SAR - Simply Awful
Rants. The next generation of mobile phones have been instructed to choose
their owners based on the SAR ratings as high SAR values can spell doomsday for
them.
Research has also shown that mobiles suffer from acute
thermal effects because of staying pressed to the face of the speaker, as a
result of which his body heat gets to the phone. Phones suffering from this
problem have reported several symptoms, ranging from faded and jaded display
screens to a sense of numbness, where they don’t respond to touch. Other
symptoms include needless vibration during the most inappropriate of times, erratic
sleep modes, partial or complete memory loss, poor reaction times and occasional
blank calls.
A few mobiles decided to save themselves through an
ingenious technique – they would die on their human owner in the middle of a
call, leaving him stranded in mid-stride, mid-sentence and hopefully in the
middle of the street that he was crossing. But man’s power of coercion is legendary
- he would take the mobile apart, pull the battery out, rub it against his
dirty jeans or worse, and put it back. So mobiles quietly went back to work, fearing
infections. Besides, worse things could happen to them. They could be sent to
some shady service centre in the neighbourhood, where their body parts could be
removed and sold at exorbitant prices abroad.
Meanwhile, the mobile union has risen up in arms, protesting
against the way mobiles are being exploited. "In the good old days, there
were only GSM and CDMA to contend with - and life was simpler,” sighed a clunky
Motorola with a gargantuan antenna sticking out of its head. “We just had to
make and receive calls and send a few sms-es - even these were rationed because
of high air time costs. But now, with Wi-Fi, AR, QR, 3D G-Sensors, motion
gaming and other equally complicated jargon, we are so confused that when
there’s an incoming call, we start hunting for an app to attend to it.”
A few other mobiles decided to use their ‘size zero’ look to
their advantage and would hide amidst files and books, or slip into the gaps
between car seats or sofas, thus making it impossible for the owner to find
them, especially if they were on silent and the vibration mode was not on. The
humans would invariably lure them out of their hiding places, with threats of
getting a new mobile.
Some mobiles went for snazzy covers and scratch guards that
were actually shields against human radiation. It saved them from all the
wheezes and sneezes, the coughs and laughs, all of which drenched them with
germs. The Association of Intolerant Radio devices Trying to Impede Mobile
Extinction (AIRTIME) finally came up with an idea that would save mobiles from
all these problems - hands-free technology. The farther mobiles were from men,
the safer they would be.
The other option would have been to construct a radiation
shield that would protect all mobiles from such harmful emission, but the
mobiles would have to wait at least until the end of 2013 to do that. By then, the
world would have more mobile connections than human beings - and it would then
be man’s turn to go into silent mode.
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