Technology in sleep mode

Finally, a research document on how our sleeping positions are linked to technology.

It’s a revelation that has come as a wake-up call – who would have thought that our sleeping positions would actually reveal our technology preferences!

Foetal

Those who sleep in the foetal position were born with a USB cord instead of an umbilical cord and consider themselves to be technology’s children. They are known to worry unnecessarily – has that mobile been charged? What if the laptop performed the ‘blue screen of death’ act tomorrow? They are also known to be sensitive inside and cannot handle any kind of rejection, especially of the password kind. Imagine being denied the pleasure of checking the number of ‘awwws’ that a cute family photo uploaded earlier on Facebook has received – it’s things like this that make them curl up in the foetal position.

Log

The Log people sleep on their sides with their arms close to their body – being stubborn by nature, they cannot tolerate any change in technology. This translates into a resounding ‘no’ to the new Chrome browser that they are asked to check out every time they log into Gmail, and to the latest smartphone that the ads glorify, despite the fact that their ancient Motorola mobile frequently gets mistaken for the TV remote. They are also known to be gullible and often end up trusting Mr. John Smith from the UK who asks for their bank details to transfer his entire fortune to them, or Ms. Thandiwe Traore from Nigeria asking for some urgent help as she is stranded amongst cannibals and needs money to bribe them and escape. 

Yearner

Yearners are known to sleep on their sides with their arms stretched out– a habit that comes from checking their mails and messages even as they walk. And as their name suggests, they yearn for the latest version of any technology – be it iPhone 6 or Google’s self-driven car. They are also chronic time wasters, which automatically makes them any social networking site’s delight.

Freefaller

Freefallers sleep on their stomachs with their arms outstretched, gripping their pillow – almost as if they are holding on for dear life to what they have. Technology has let them down so many times that they are reduced to nervous wrecks, always anticipating that stinker mail from the client or that disaster call from work in the middle of the night. So subconsciously, they are forever ready to pick up that mobile from their bedside on first ring, which explains why their arms are outstretched. As for gripping their pillow, it’s a sign that they have spent weary years clutching the printer that typically went haywire minutes before a presentation.

Soldier

Imagine standing in attention – and dropping into bed in the same position. That’s the soldier position, and people who sleep in this position tend to be militant about their technology as well. You’ll never catch them downloading stuff onto their computers, checking out apps for their mobile or looking at online deals greedily for the next best sale in town. ‘Soldier’ sleepers have a tendency to snore because of their sleeping position– if only the technology that was kind enough to offer us a sleep mode could give them a silent mode.

Starfish

Researchers have related the starfish position – where people sleep on their back with their arms spread out around the pillow – to a friendly disposition. Just prop them up in front of a terminal in that very pose and you’ll realize how apt the description is. Sitting with their arms wrapped around the monitor, with their face almost into it, ‘Starfish’ sleepers spend hours on chats and Skype calls, listening to the problems of the world and offering their help.

Note: All sleeping positions are real, but all associations to technology have been fabricated. The scope of this research was restricted to sleeping positions at home – those at the workplace have not been considered.

Splitting hairs on technology

What technology gives, technology takes. Here’s some hair-raising proof…

There are two kinds of people in this world – the haves, who are of the hirsute variety and are desperate to lose some hair, and the have-nots, who would do anything to get the fuzz back on their head. However, both have one thing in common – they are both running a fine-toothed comb through technology, to find an answer.

While records reveal that the haves have had a close shave with technology, the hair clinics have been bombarding the have-nots with messages like ‘Hair on, or happiness gone’. And it’s working, because it’s common knowledge that while it can get lonely at the top, it certainly can't get sparse. So these hair clinics used cutting-edge technology to come up with Follicular Unit Transplantation (FUT). Of course, looking at the current crop of cricketers and commentators, one realises that the transplant has to be done carefully or the result would be closer to a fruit than FUT, what with the 'FUT head' resembling a pineapple.

Another key advancement is the laser light treatment which promises not only to make light of the baldness problem, but also make the future of bald pates brighter and put a mane on man. Called photobiostimulation, the technique has resulted in stimulating the economy of several countries to a large extent, with billions of dollars being spent on GDP (Gross Development of Pilus). Cloning has become another rage, with cells from a strand of human hair being cloned into thousands of replicas, all of which could be planted in the barren areas. It didn't matter if people suddenly had no resemblance to their mug shots in their passport or driver's license - it was a case of prioritising social recognition over facial recognition.

However, there is another school of thought that is losing hair at the very mention of laser light being used to grow hair. Wasn't laser technology supposed to aid hair removal in the first place? Refusing to be drawn into petty fights involving the laser ("That's more Darth Vader's domain, isn't it?"), the beauty industry worked in close collaboration with the medical fraternity - much like a shampoo and conditioner - and came up with the Intense Pulsed Light (IPL), which helps in hair removal and in photorejuvenation (a technical term for looking refreshed and youthful in a photo after an IPL session).

There’s a very simple law of physics which says that light travels from a bulb to an object. IPL simply reverses this law and light - an entire spectrum of it - is made to penetrate the skin and travel to the bulb - of the hair, at its roots. Disputing any law generates a lot of heat and it is apparently this heat that destroys the hair, shaft and all.

But there are issues with it. The variable pricing could make people's hairs stand on end. And it's certainly not advisable for pregnant women and people with sensitive skin. Besides, areas where hair removal has been done should not be exposed to harsh sunlight. (In Chennai, that would mean not having an IPL session all year.) Reports also have it that the treatment may not be entirely painless.

To all those looking for an option, may we suggest the IPL (Indian Premier League). With nine teams, 200 players, 496 sponsors, 12,496 runs, 219,865 ads and 4,780,961 tweets, you have enough stats to make you want to tear your hair out. Following it on the mobile or on your tablet calls for a bit of technology, but look at the positive side of things - it's absolutely free.

Besides, who would have thought that technology's worthy answer to DHT (dihydrotestosterone – the hormone responsible for baldness in men) would be DTH?