Losing the human touch

By the year 2020, technology had almost ruined cinema – this is how the industry fought back.

April 6, 2020. It has been 125 years since the first visual special effect – the stop action technique that helped replace an actor with a dummy seamlessly - was demonstrated on film. Ever since, technology has played a major role in evolving cinema, from black and white to colour and from silent movies to talkies... Unfortunately, it did not stop there.

During the initial years, movies had been more about people, their lives and their stories. When technology came into the picture, visual effects took a giant leap, with matte techniques that blended multiple shots to create an illusion. Special effects like the Schüfftan process allowed miniature sets to be shown like Godzilla’s penthouse and made actors look the size of Gremlins in front of them. This removed the need for large sets, and consequently, scores of set designers, art directors and carpenters saw their careers being pulled down.

Rear and front projection ensured that big budget outdoor shots could be completed indoors by projecting the background on a screen. Chroma keying allowed the film to be shot with a blue screen or a green screen as a backdrop - the background could be added later, during post production. Suddenly, locations were no longer so important. The Swiss Alps could be added at the director’s leisure to a Bollywood song – and with that, location scouts, location managers and coordinators lost their way in the industry.

3D computer-generated imagery (CGI) led to animated images vying with live actors for space in the movies. Soon animated characters – dinosaurs, giant snakes, aliens and ghosts - began to star in movies, leaving actors to play mere supporting roles. Entire movies were set in simulated environments and virtual worlds. Motion capture made it easier to use humans, capture their movements and facial expressions, and then create animated characters that would represent them on screen. Since these characters were created using software, costumes and make-up became redundant – the careers of costume designers, costume supervisors, make-up artists and scores of tailors simply came apart at the seams.

Soon movies became more about technology and less about people. What began as a collective effort of hundreds of people was soon reduced to a bunch of tech geeks making a movie. The last straw was when filmmakers realized that actors were no longer needed – they could be replicated on screen using CGI. The casting director, the casting agent and the casting couch soon found themselves without a role to play in the business.

Soon even actors began finding it difficult to find work – their computer generated counterparts filled in for them adequately. (Besides, producers were glad to do away with star tantrums, long breaks, big egos, bigger vanity vans, their burgeoning entourage and the huge monies they demanded.) But audiences the world over began to get restless. The magic was missing and soon they stopped going to the theatres. In the beginning, it was mistaken to be the onslaught of television. In the 80s, it was attributed to home videos and a decade later, piracy was made the fall guy. Finally, it took the utter failure of Avatar VII – the Titanic goes to Mars, for the film fraternity to realize what had gone wrong. The audience was missing the human element.

To bring back actors on screen would be regressive. Technology was doing a great job of simulating them in the movies. How else could one get the audience to see real people on screen? “For at least 5-10 minutes, if not the entire duration,” theatre owners pleaded. Much thought went into it and finally, after intense research, the experts found the solution.

And that was how, starting April 1, 2020, the newsreel came back into our lives. 

Be what your boss wants you to be

There's a big difference between working hard and working smart - and that's where technology comes into play.

As humans, most of us spend over 30% of our life at work. And when we transmogrify into mules, donkeys and dogs at the workplace, the number increases alarmingly to 50%. Spending half our lives in the office is bad enough, so why make it worse by working hard as well? The problem is, most of us don't know the difference between working hard and working smart.

This is explained better by ‘Gates Theory of Diminishing Productivity’, which states that 20% of all employees spend 80% of their time staring at Windows Office while the other 80% spend 100% of their time staring out of their office windows. In other words, what you choose to stare at determines how hardworking you are.

One of the first steps to making your boss believe that you’re the man is by making your presence felt in conference rooms, during brainstorming sessions, meetings and presentations. What you need to do is spew jargon until it impresses the right people. Just google for ‘bullshit generator’ - and you'll be surprised at the sheer volume of bovine droppings present online. So how do these corporate poop creators work? By stacking three columns of words, of which the first set could be actions, the second, descriptors and the third, systems, for instance. So, at your command, the site pulls out a word randomly from each column, puts them together and magically creates phrases for you to fling around, like ' mesh best-of-breed architectures', 'integrate user-centric paradigms' or 'disintermediate enterprise supply-chains'. If you’re in IT, there are sites that specialize in jargon that might interest you, like 'beta-test authentic APIs', 'capture peer-to-peer blogospheres' and 'share semantic tagclouds'.

If you need something a bit more pompous to suit the environment, go for sites that create entire statements, like 'Double-digit throughput increase impact compliant market opportunities reaped from our organic efficiency gain, whereas the clients enhance the situational paradigms'. A statement like this has enough bullshit to power you to the corner cabin. If you are in HR and have the unenviable job of handing over titles to a million minions, ("Make it fancy and impressive or we'll leave - CTS is hiring") opt for sites that can generate job titles. Fancy designations like Customer Usability Associate, Dynamic Quality Representative and Forward Assurance Architect are sure to leave your employees in such a state of euphoria that you won’t have to give them a raise.

Besides the conference room, another key location in your office where appearing busy and seeming productive helps is your workstation. A simple but effective way to do that is by downloading an Excel sheet screensaver that will make it look as if you are busy working on an Excel file whenever your computer is idle, which is probably the whole day. If you can't download the file because of admin restrictions, fear not. You could make it more authentic by converting your existing Excel sheet into a screensaver – check out any of the zillion websites available for this purpose.

So the choice is really between what Garfield says and what Garfield says. You could go with the former President of the United States, James A Garfield, who said, "If the power to do hard work is not a skill, it's the best possible substitute for it", or concur with Garfield the cat who believed, "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" If you believe in the latter, you’re in luck - technology is right here to give you a helping hand. 

If only mobiles could talk...

If you think technology has made our lives complicated, spare a thought for the mobiles…

Ask any mobile and it will tell you that one of the biggest problems it faces is Electro Mannetic Radiation (EMR) – in other words, harmful radiation from man - in the form of body odour and bad breath – that can send it into a state of shock. The problem is not only limited to such unsafe emission, but also to prolonged exposure to nonsensical conversations carried out by people with suboptimal intelligence. This is measured by mobiles in SAR - Simply Awful Rants. The next generation of mobile phones have been instructed to choose their owners based on the SAR ratings as high SAR values can spell doomsday for them.

Research has also shown that mobiles suffer from acute thermal effects because of staying pressed to the face of the speaker, as a result of which his body heat gets to the phone. Phones suffering from this problem have reported several symptoms, ranging from faded and jaded display screens to a sense of numbness, where they don’t respond to touch. Other symptoms include needless vibration during the most inappropriate of times, erratic sleep modes, partial or complete memory loss, poor reaction times and occasional blank calls.

A few mobiles decided to save themselves through an ingenious technique – they would die on their human owner in the middle of a call, leaving him stranded in mid-stride, mid-sentence and hopefully in the middle of the street that he was crossing. But man’s power of coercion is legendary - he would take the mobile apart, pull the battery out, rub it against his dirty jeans or worse, and put it back. So mobiles quietly went back to work, fearing infections. Besides, worse things could happen to them. They could be sent to some shady service centre in the neighbourhood, where their body parts could be removed and sold at exorbitant prices abroad.

Meanwhile, the mobile union has risen up in arms, protesting against the way mobiles are being exploited. "In the good old days, there were only GSM and CDMA to contend with - and life was simpler,” sighed a clunky Motorola with a gargantuan antenna sticking out of its head. “We just had to make and receive calls and send a few sms-es - even these were rationed because of high air time costs. But now, with Wi-Fi, AR, QR, 3D G-Sensors, motion gaming and other equally complicated jargon, we are so confused that when there’s an incoming call, we start hunting for an app to attend to it.”

A few other mobiles decided to use their ‘size zero’ look to their advantage and would hide amidst files and books, or slip into the gaps between car seats or sofas, thus making it impossible for the owner to find them, especially if they were on silent and the vibration mode was not on. The humans would invariably lure them out of their hiding places, with threats of getting a new mobile.

Some mobiles went for snazzy covers and scratch guards that were actually shields against human radiation. It saved them from all the wheezes and sneezes, the coughs and laughs, all of which drenched them with germs. The Association of Intolerant Radio devices Trying to Impede Mobile Extinction (AIRTIME) finally came up with an idea that would save mobiles from all these problems - hands-free technology. The farther mobiles were from men, the safer they would be.

The other option would have been to construct a radiation shield that would protect all mobiles from such harmful emission, but the mobiles would have to wait at least until the end of 2013 to do that. By then, the world would have more mobile connections than human beings - and it would then be man’s turn to go into silent mode. 

The Browser Kingdom

Technology helps find another link between man and animals in the evolution saga - browsers.

Once upon a time, animals - of the herbivorous kind - were happy grazing the land and eating health food. But once man got into the act, grass and herbs became scarce in the plains. The grazers soon had to set their sights higher – literally - and began scouting for taller plants so that they could nibble at their leaves. This practice of checking out various sites for food came to be known as browsing and the animals that indulged in browsing were collectively called browsers. Ancient records suggest that have been classified into five types, based on their behaviour:

1. Atavists: These animals browse only in places where their ancestors had browsed and do not seek greener pastures. Even if there were newer options, they wouldn't try it. Why? Because they’re creatures of habit.

2. Zeitgeists: Like free spirits, they roam around with gay abandon, but stay in herds and stick to their family. The springbok is a classic example that comes to mind.

3. Universalists: They don't stress on territorial domination like other browsers, but believe that life's a journey that’s for free and that anyone can browse where they do.

4. Accommodationists: They'll share, they’ll compromise, they’ll adjust - and there will never be any complaints. And they can afford to do so because their feeling of security is simply unmatched.

5. Cabalists: They're the secretive type. They'll be furtive and give away no indication that they're browsing – yup, the ‘eat, shoot and leave’ types.  

Technology, which has always borrowed so heavily from nature - read artificial neural networks from the nervous system, auto-pilot navigation technology from pigeons, and velcro from burrs in plant seeds, amongst a zillion others - couldn't resist taking a leaf out of this one. And that was how web browsers came to be. Soon, people began to be identified based on the browser they used.

1. Atavists: They use Internet Explorer - and only Internet Explorer. Why? Because they began their journey into the worldwide web using IE and have been with it for generations now, updating themselves with every version that has been released. Chances are, they’re using their office laptop and are not allowed to download anything without admin permission. But more importantly, they'll never try, possibly because they have always been that way.

2. Zeitgeists: They’re ardent followers of Google Chrome. Like free spirits, they flit in and out of all Google products, making sure that they always stick to the Google family. If the springbok is a classic representation of the browser (animal), the country it comes from is dominant in the logo of Chrome, with its rainbow colours. To zeitgeists, Google itself is a plus, so Google Plus simply multiplies their joy. 

3. Universalists: They’re true Firefox loyalists and totally believe in the open source philosophy. That's what makes them universalists – the only code that they hold on to is that every source code must be let go of.

4. Accommodationists: They're staunch Safari fans. And just as the browser is designed both for the Mac and Windows OS, they'll accommodate any opposing point of view. Adobe Flash may not work, but they're ok with that. Some websites may not be configured to their browser - they'll take that in their stride as well. The bottomline is, they know that the kind of security their browser gives them is simply unmatched.

5. Cabalists: They're the Opera type, but without the theatrics. And yes, they're the secretive type too. Opera allows them to trawl the depths of the web and download any kind of content, but keeps them safe and unseen. (Now you know where the phrase 'stealth browsing' came from!)

So which kind are you?

With friends like these…

Feeling depressed? Can’t focus on work? Lost your appetite? Can’t sleep at nights? Millions of people are suffering from the same symptoms that you are. And the problem is the same – you are unable to become popular on Facebook. So how do you know if people really want to be your friend? Take the following test and find out. Respond to each statement with a simple Yes or No.

1.      You reach the bottom of your Facebook page without scrolling down even once

2.       The only message that you see prominently is that ‘There are no older posts left to show’

3.       A whole week passes and none of your friends are celebrating a birthday

4.       Nobody has poked you or has sent you a quiz on which animal you resemble while sleeping

5.       You have never been tagged in a photo

6.       You stay away from Facebook for a whole day, but no one wants to know why

7.       No comment of yours has ever been shared

8.       None of your posts have been liked

9.       Your friend requests rarely get accepted

10.   You never get invited to join the Uvula Lovers page or the I Miss Bell-bottoms group

If you have said ‘Yes’ to even one of these statements, you have a problem. However, it’s not the end of the world. (And we’re not saying that just because Dec 21 has come and gone.) An expert application software developer has come forward with a host of free apps that you can download and change your destiny.

LIKE (Liv It Kewl Enterprise) is a start-up founded by Shawn Fanning, who, after the Napster debacle, realized that he didn’t have a friend in the world – or at least on Facebook. So he decided to do something about it – and the result was LIKE apps. Here are the most downloaded ones:

Paris Hilton app: This helps present your best-looking friends and celebs right at the top of your friends list when someone is looking through your profile page or timeline.

FILO (First In Last Out) app: Regardless of whenever you respond to anyone's update, your comment will always be seen as the most recent one, with all the other comments collapsed under ‘View 83 more comments’.

Fevicol app: Your post will stick to the top half of the screen even if there are a zillion posts before yours, so your friends can see your status update without having to scroll down and will never miss out on what you have to say.

Terminator app: You thought you were the first to comment on the topic. You were sure that yours was the smartest one-liner. You were wrong. The bad news is that the whole world posted on it. And worse – every other comment has more ‘likes’ than yours. The Terminator app comes in handy during such times – to locate and delete all other comments that have the same key words.

Boomerang app: Imagine writing a message loaded with terms of endearment, sending it and realizing that you’ve got the recipient wrong. The Boomerang app, once activated, will find the message and fling it right back into your inbox, where you can decide on what to do with it.

John Doe app: Someone irritating you like crazy? Someone updating their status 200 times a day, flooding your page with their wreckage? Blocking their posts is mild. You could do better with the John Doe app which allows you to post nasty comments without revealing your identity.

If you’re not sure about any of these apps, just share them on Facebook and see the results. After all, that’s what friends are for. 

The Great Tech Party

One infernal night, the world’s leading social media websites came to life. And this is what happened next…

December 2012 ended up being the month of delayed tech launches. From the iPhone 5 in South Korea to the Unha-3 rocket in North Korea, from the Grand Theft Auto 5 to the Xbox 720, the festive spirit had obviously slowed things down. Things were no different at USA (Ulhasnagar Spurious Applications), the hotbed of duplicate products.

A deadly trio was to be launched before the year ended - Acebook, a networking site for friends and family, Interest, an online photo-sharing site and EuTube, a video sharing site. And the plan was simple - to overtake the current favourites - Facebook, Pinterest and YouTube - and become the choice of a billion. The delay had been a deterrent, but if the plan could work in December, it could work in January as well, right?

"So what’s this plan?" asked Interest. "Simple," growled Acebook, "We'll bring them all together and then unleash a deadly virus that'll finish them all." "How about inviting them all to a party?" enquired EuTube. "I like that," said Acebook, showing the thumbs up sign. "But what kind of party? We missed the New Year bash."

"Let’s have a great tech party - the kind the world has never seen," replied EuTube, changing channels. "But we've got to keep it young and happening - wouldn't want those 30-plus relics like PC, Mouse and Floppy to land up." "I'm pinning my hope on you guys to do something about it," said Interest. EuTube thought for a while. "Let's have 30 years as a cut-off – only those under 30 will be allowed entry." "Fantastic - I wish I could share this," mused Acebook. And so the day was fixed, invites were forwarded - and the crowd began to land up.

As expected, GooglePlus, Picasa and GMail hung out together. Flickster and MouthShut were huddled in a corner, discussing movies. "Where's Geni?" someone asked. "Sorry, no family types allowed in this party," guffawed EuTube. GoodReads walked in, but left in a huff when Pink Floyd's 'We Don't Need No Education' was blared across the dance floor. LinkedIn felt a bit out of place as it was not a party for the serious types. 

DeviantArt's entry was greeted with sniggers from Instagram and Flickr. "Here comes the arty type," they whispered. MySpace and Orkut stared into their empty glasses, sighing from time to time. "At least, it's not all gloom and doom for us," said Orkut pointing at another corner where Google Buzz, Google Wave and iGoogle were crying into their kerchiefs. "What's that crowd there?" wondered Digg. "Oh, those 140 characters out there? That's Twitter," said Blogger enviously.

EuTube, Acebook and Interest quietly retreated behind Acebook's wall. "Now," Acebook whispered, "let the virus loose." "I already did," Interest whispered back. "Then why is nothing happening?" Acebook wondered aloud. "What could have gone wrong?" asked EuTube, tears streaming down his face in real time. Interest looked around, rapidly capturing pictures of everyone around. "Hey, where's Internet? He's not to be found. All I got was a 404 message..."

EuTube rapidly went through the video footage of the evening. "Hey look, he was here, but the security didn't let him in." "So that's why the virus didn't spread," Acebook commented, "because there was no Internet. And they all got away." "But why didn’t the security guys didn't let him in?" wondered Interest. Acebook turned blue in the face. "Things would have been different had we been launched in December 2012.” “Why?” enquired EuTube.  

“Don’t you know? Internet turned 30 on Jan 1st this year."

The Mayan Job

The secret behind why the world didn't come to an end on 21.12.12 - finally cracked by technology.

The wizened Mayan Chief rubbed his eyes and woke up. D-day was here. The Montes Azules Biosphere Reserve seemed to vibrate with a kind of energy he had never experienced before. He quickly logged into his laptop - he had to send a farewell message to his brothers in the Yucatán Peninsula. His Facebook account came alive –and he stared at the first post on his page with disbelief. 'The end of the world, which was scheduled for 2012, has been postponed due to some technical glitches. You are hereby ordered to carry on with your life until further notice.'

"By the might of Maximon," he roared, invoking the Mayan saint, "I'll have to get to the bottom of this. Get me the Mayan calendar. And somebody who can read it." His deputy looked at him shocked. "I keep going in circles when I try to decipher it," he muttered. "Someone who can interpret codes, perhaps?" his deputy suggested helpfully. "Nah!" the Chief sneered. "There's only one that the world knows of and you saw what he did to the Louvre and the Vatican. Get me someone who can crack computer programs, but has his values intact." "Ah, you mean an ethical hacker," the Deputy quietly sniggered into his Tzute when the Chief wasn't looking. "But why a computer professional?"

"Because," the Chief's voice grew into a whisper, "the ancient Mayan calendar is actually a representation of the world's first analog computer - the Antikythera mechanism. See the concentric circles, the gears and the wheels – while the former is carved in stone, the latter is made of metal." The deputy's jaw dropped onto the fine hand-woven Zapotec rug. "Ok, I'll get on the job," he agreed and was back a few hours later with a man who looked like a Hollywood star.

"Meet Seth Green," he introduced the visitor. The Mayan Chief surveyed him from head to toe. "Is he a certified hacker?" "I don't know about his qualification, but you should have seen him in the movie, The Italian Job. He hacked into Los Angeles' automated traffic system and created..." The Chief cut him off. "What else can he do?" "Well, according to him, he's the real Napster, so he’s the guy we should be thanking for all those years of listening to ‘The Final Countdown’ online in anticipation of the end of the world.”

The Chief nodded sagely and looked at Seth squarely in the eye. "Help us and I'll produce the sequel to The Italian Job for you. I know that the script – The Brazilian Job - has been in cold storage for a while now. But,” he paused, “a tactical change has to be made..." Seth jumped at the offer. "Chill, we’ll call it The Mayan Job from hereon. So what do I need to do?"

"The Mayan calendar was supposed to have predicted the end of the world on 21.12.12, so why didn't it happen?" Seth thought for a while. He then took out his tablet and busied himself with some calculations. "I got it," he jumped up. "Look, your deputy told me that the Mayan calendar was actually a representation of a computer. So you should have looked for the inscription of the date in binary, not as whole numbers. So, 21.12.2012 is written in binary as 10101.1100.11111011100. Since binary has no decimals, you get 10101110011111011100, which when converted to whole numbers is 714716, or 7.1.4716. So the end of the world is not until 4716, which is 2703 years away. Now, could we discuss the budgets for The Mayan Job?"