The (tri)cycle of life

A white paper on the evolution of mankind across three very important eras.

There have been various theories floated on man’s evolution, but now, a detailed study has helped classify and document the progression into three eras - mythological, illogical and technological.

The mythological era lasted from 10,000 BC to the time television was invented. Next came the illogical era, the age of cynicism that coincided with the invasion of TV. Notably, glimpses of the first era were depicted through long-drawn, but popular serials with disastrous production values, causing people to scoff at arrows flying in slow motion and laugh at the funny wigs that everyone wore. The technological era began with the advent of social networking.

Now for some pertinent details on each of them.

The Mythological Era

It was an era when nothing defied belief, not even gravity. Man could fly, levitate, change his form at will and take on a new identity. He could make himself invisible. He could enter any place and slip away unnoticed. He had the powers to see things that occurred thousands of miles away. He could beam himself across the seven seas or interact with anyone from halfway across the world. He had devised magical mantras that could open locked doors. Only he could utter them - if someone else tried, it wouldn't have the same effect. From cities beneath the sea to herbs growing on a faraway mountain, he could locate anything in a second.

The Illogical Era

This was an era when nothing defied gravity, not even belief. Man picked up his remote and sank into his couch, only to vegetate happily ever after. The past was a myth; everything about it was illogical. If he was really meant to fly, he would have sprouted wings. Sure, planes had been invented by then, but they wouldn’t take off – either the airlines was grounded or the pilots were on strike.  If he was meant to go invisible at will, he wouldn't have been given a beer belly that had nowhere to hide. And those mantras couldn’t help him unlock a piggy bank, let alone open the vault at Fort Knox.

So man convinced himself that everything that had to be invented had already been invented and that stories from the past about teleportation, telekinesis and telepathy were not as real as teleshopping for weight loss products.

The Technological Era

This is the current era, where nothing defies belief, not even Gangnam Style. (One does talk about horses for courses, but horsing around in the middle of a dance does call for suspension of disbelief.) Social networking allowed man to change his form at will and take on a new identity. (On last count, Facebook had 83 million fake profiles.) He could make himself invisible during chat sessions. Hacking enabled him to enter any place and slip away unnoticed. Webcasts and podcasts gave him the powers to see things that would take place thousands of miles away. Skype allowed him to interact with anyone from halfway across the world. Voice-enabled passwords became his magic mantra that could open locks - and biometric technology made sure that only he could use them. If someone else tried, it wouldn't have the same effect. Google allowed him to search and locate anything in a jiffy, from cities beneath the sea to herbs growing on a faraway mountain.

As for levitation, he’s still cracking it. Once Spielberg and Apple join hands to mass-produce the hoverboard that was featured in Back to the Future 2, it’ll be a reality. 

Getting to the 100-crore club

The scoop on how technology is helping Bollywood get to the billion figure mark with alarming regularity…

Bollywood. An opulent set of a large haveli abutted by sunflower fields on one side and the Swiss Alps on the other. Inside, everything’s covered in white cloth, except for a table in the center, with the industry’s biggest names (that will not be mentioned here to protect identities) seated in a huddle.

A baritone voice boomed across the table. "I'm sick and tired of our films being compared to Hollywood's technical wizardry all the time. Why should it always be about their technology, digital marvels and software simulations? What should be done to add technology to Bollywood?”

“I've brought in a couple of young computer guys who have a few suggestions…” a senior director mumbled. “Ok, we need technology that will give us access to any song, movie, plot, script or story that we might take a fancy to,” a producer winked as he proceeded to brief them. “And we should be able to search across 130 languages.”

The pair began their presentation. “We’ve been put through a crash course of the 100 kitschiest Bollywood blockbusters and have spotted the areas where technology can be of the greatest help to you.”

“We’ll begin with an audio application called Shazam,” said the first techie. “Just install it in your mobile, turn the application on and hold it near an audio source – it will automatically identify the song and it’s all yours.” “You mean we could take any of it and be… suitably inspired, right?” the famous lyricist wanted to know.

This tendency to ‘copy left, right and center’ had already led to an abbreviated use of the expression - copyleft, a term which meant that every piece of work was freely available to be downloaded and open to modification. It was Bollywood’s contribution to technology, but then, the world was not yet ready for such shocking revelations.

“Incredible! And what if I know the tune, but don't have the song with me?” asked the music director. “You could use Midomi. Hum the tune into the mike - the application will instantly find the complete song. The other option is Musipedia - a virtual keyboard will appear on your screen and you can play a tune on it. The original song will be located at once.”

“What about scenes? We love to lift scenes as well, you know...” stated the writer. “There is AnyClip, a website that has categorized scenes according to genre, year of release, actors, whatever...” The second techie continued. “You can even enter a line of dialogue and it will help you identify the movie.”

“We make around 1000 movies a year - we can't write the stories for all of them, you know...” the maverick moviemaker trailed off. “You could enter key words like boy meets girl, brothers separated at birth, lost and found or love triangle in Jinni.com or IMDb – it’ll throw up several plots and storylines for you to choose from,” the first techie added.

“What about complete scripts? There are times when one needs to rip off complete scripts,” said the head of a leading production house. “IMSDB would assist you on that. Musicals, award-winning scripts, family drama - take your pick,” said the duo.

“But the future is all about 100 crore blockbusters – can you ensure that?” enquired the lead actor. The duo shrugged. “You could launch a start-up and hire us.” “How will that help?” asked Team Bollywood.

“Even if your movie doesn’t sell, your start-up will – you are sure to make your billion.”  

A tryst with technology

(Note: This is the writer's cut and an unpublished version...)

After years of Indian cinema pinching from Hollywood, Silicon Valley retaliates with a ‘same pinch’.

September 27, 1998. Bollywood. A large haveli abutted by sunflower fields on one side and the Swiss Alps on the other.

Big B's baritone voice boomed across the table. "I'm sick and tired of our films being compared to Hollywood's technical wizardry all the time. Why should it always be about their technology, digital marvels and software simulations? What should be done to add technology to Bollywood?”

“I've brought in a couple of young computer guys who have a few suggestions…” Yashji mumbled. “Ok, we need technology that will give us access to any song, movie, plot, script or story that we might take a fancy to,” Mahesh Bhatt briefed them. “It would be ideal if there can be a single point from which we can access all of them,” he winked.

“We’ll begin with an audio application called Shazam,” said the first techie. “Just install it in your machine, turn the application on and hold an audio source near it – it will automatically identify the song and it’s all yours.”

“Incredible! And what if I know the tune, but don't have the song with me?” asked Bhatt. “You could use Midomi. Hum the tune into the mike - the application will instantly find the complete song. The other option is Musipedia - a virtual keyboard will appear on your screen and you can play a tune on it. The original song will be located at once.”

“What about scenes? We love to lift scenes as well you know...” mumbled Yashji. “There is AnyClip, a website that has categorized scenes according to genre, year of release, actors, whatever...” the second techie continued. “You can even enter a line of dialogue and it will help you identify the movie.”

“We make around 1000 movies a year - we can't write the stories for all of them, you know...” Bhatt trailed off. “You could enter key words like boy meets girl, brothers separated at birth, lost and found or love triangle in Jinni.com or IMDb – it’ll throw up several plots and storylines for you to choose from,” the first techie added.

“What about complete scripts? There are times when one needs to rip off complete scripts,” said Bhatt. “IMSDB would assist you on that. Musicals, award-winning scripts, family drama - take your pick.”

“Wait a minute!” Bhatt sat up. “But all these sound like different sites to me. Are you sure they are all yours?” “No, they are not,” replied the first techie. “But our site will take you to all of them.”

“The future is all about 100 crore blockbusters – can you ensure that?” enquired Big B. The duo shrugged. “You could have a start-up and hire us.” “How will that help?” asked Team Bollywood. “Even if your movie doesn’t sell, your start-up will - you are sure to make your billion.” 

The trio got into a huddle. “What do you think?” “I don’t know, it sounds so farfetched that even our ridiculous storylines and action sequences sound more believable.” “We’ll get back to you,” they chorused, but never did.

The techies soon met a VC and things worked out. Their new company would offer a single window from where one could search for anything. Needless to say, the idea was pinched from the Bollywood meeting. And that was how Google came into existence.

And that’s also why, despite September 7 being the day when Google was incorporated, September 27 is celebrated as its birthday. For, that was the day Larry Page and Sergey Brin were ‘suitably inspired’ by Bollywood’s big idea. 

And then there were seven Bonds…

A chilling expose of how technology unearthed a secret agent’s identity from Neanderthal paintings.

Marseille, France. Daniel Craig was experiencing a free fall five miles above the earth. In exactly 15 seconds, he had to be in the caves of Santillana del Mar in Cantabria, Northern Spain. He pressed a button on his belt to unfold the Eurocopter, powered by Zorin microchip technology. Before he could say ‘Oops, wrong button’, there was a huge explosion and he was at the cave in the nick of time.

He struck a neon flare and heard a voice. “Welcome, Mr. Bond.” It was Indiana Jones. “Do you know that you are not the first Bond here?” Craig nodded. “I know, I’m the sixth…” “No, you are the seventh - the first Bond came 42,000 years ago.” “You can’t be serious,” Craig raised an eyebrow.

“We used advanced 3-d scanning - and employed digital reconstruction to recreate images,” Indy continued. “Uranium-series technology helps – do you know that uranium decays into a form of radioactive thorium when incorporated into the minerals and...” “But these specimens are too minute to...” interjected Craig, raising his other eyebrow. “I know, we used Accelerator Mass Spectrometry radiocarbon dating for more accurate answers - we've taken all the c14 atoms, you know...” “So what did you find?” asked Craig impatiently.

“See that cave painting there?” Indiana pointed to a painting of a wheel with a man walking in the foreground. “That’s not a wheel. We created a full‐scale, digital representation of the cave and used an enveloping media installation – it layers the 3‐d laser scans onto the existing image.” Craig shook his head. “But it's a wheel, see those six spokes...” “The wheel wasn't invented until 8000 BC. This painting is 42,000 years old. Those, Mr. Bond, aren't spokes, they are the chambers of the .38 calibre gun - and the man seen walking before them was the first Bond.”

Indiana continued. “He was forever bound to the wheel - so they started calling him Bound for short. Since it sounded so much like Bourne, they removed the u and began calling him Bond. That’s when he began the ‘name's Bond' routine. But, with the poor acoustics of the caves, it sounded like James Bond. And that was how it all started.

40,000 BC. The caves of Santillana del Mar. Q takes Bond to a secret chamber inside the cave. “This is the latest in communication devices - the smoke signal SS C902. You are assured of a signal at all times. Works without a battery. Leaves no traces because it burns itself out…”

“Technology,” said Bond, shaking his head. Q then displayed an ejector mechanism. "This will lift you off your seat and propel you 30 feet across. It comprises desiccated cactus thorns - I've hardened them further with a mix of ethylene glycol monoacetate and diacetate. Just sit on it - the built-in ejector mechanism will do the rest.” “This is cutting-edge stuff,” cried Bond. “There’s more,” said Q blushing, “I'm still working on the tiger skin camouflage jacket that can change into a deerskin blazer when worn inside out...” He was cut short by a loud rumble.

"Run," yelled Q. "That’s Dr. Hannibal Lecter – and he’s hungry!" “Haven't you invented anything that can save us?” “I don't know,” mumbled Q. “There's the Aston Martin Vanquish, a high-tech cart that can become invisible, but there’s only space for one.” And he dived into the cart. Bond was left alone to face Hannibal.

“It’s nice to have a celebrity for dinner,” purred Dr. Lecter.  “Doctor… No!” The screams echoed across the caves for centuries until Hollywood heard them.

The rest, as they say, is history.   

See Da Vinci smile…

Technology finally reveals the secret behind Mona Lisa’s mysterious smile

1522 AD. September 9, 2 am. The powers that be were censoring everything that was being said – even birds could only chirp and not tweet. Da Vinci's peers complained to him. They were being targeted because they were avowed critics who were very vocal about their views. “But do you have to…,” Da Vinci began. “Don’t be ridiculous, we’re art critics,” they thundered. Da Vinci smiled. “This is nothing - the future will see bigger threats to free thinking and communication.” Saying so, he began to paint the Mona Lisa.

2012 AD. September 9, 2 pm. Robert Langdon was fast asleep. He had just returned to his hotel room after rescuing the Pope, the American President and Austin Powers. He had long retired from teaching symbology at Harvard. One of his books - The Symbology of Secret Sects - had become an international bestseller because of a typographical error in the title and was outstripping the figures of Fifty Shades of Grey. Thanks to the royalty from the sales, he could live like royalty. But now, this incessant knocking on the door...

"Message for you," gasped the man at the door. Langdon checked his mobile. "Cheap plots at Porur", the sms said. He shook his head in disgust and checked his Facebook, Orkut, Google+ and Twitter accounts. There was nothing in any of them. He looked enquiringly at the man. "If there was a message for you in your mobile, why would I be here?” the man gasped. “The computer museum, hurry" the man gasped and passed out. "Silicon Valley?" Langdon thought.  "Too far away, I’ll have to send my holographic image."

In a couple of seconds, he was virtually there at the scene of the crime. It was a man strangled with a USB cable, grotesquely straddling a Pentium and a Cray-1, reminding Langdon of Ajay Devgn’s entry scene on two bikes in Phool aur Kaante. The word Illuminati was tattooed across his chest in UV ink. “This is unusual,”he mused. “Am I not supposed to unscramble something?” 

Soon the letters ‘I-l-l-u-m-i-n-a-t-i’ swam in virtual space and rearranged themselves into ‘I-I'm a li’l nut’. “Little nuts or coffee beans - Java!" Langdon snapped his fingers - "The clue leads us to the internet - Java is such an important language for the net. It’s in line with other hidden meanings I've found in renaissance paintings using predictive diagnostics."

Five seconds later, Langdon was in his lab, analyzing the Mona Lisa using diagnostic imaging technology that involved thermographic analysis, the kind typically seen in biomedical applications.  Analyzing Mona Lisa’s smile with complex algorithms, he cracked open the mystery behind that enigmatic smile – the brush strokes were in fact, several tiny words. Magnifying them to an incredibly high resolution, he read them out. "They had to go to the rein tent, start a nail or wet sock, o fake cob or write terrible things. Have coca nut? They’ll go glib conk your set wet and spots.” Cracking this would take a journey to at least 37 countries in the next few hours.

Turning the Mona Lisa around for clues, he found a tiny inscription at the bottom - La Soluzione. The solution! “Rein tent is internet, nail or wet sock is social network, o fake cob is Facebook and if you abbreviate terrible things to tt, then write tt is twitter. Coca nut is account, glib conk is blocking, set wet is tweets and spots is posts.” His voice trembling, he read out the message that Da Vinci had left behind for future generations, Nostradamus-style. "They had to go to the internet, start a social network, Facebook or Twitter. Have account? They'll go blocking your tweets and posts."

Run for your life, the apps are here…

There are two kinds of people in this world who exercise – the app-ers and the hapless…

It's early morning, relatively speaking. You're ready in your all-new Nike Flyknit Racer. The iPod gets into your pocket. Your Timex Ironman’s next, followed by your Polk Audio UltraFit sports headphones (with tangle-free planar cables and moisture shields), and the Tune Belt Sport Armband for your brand new iPhone (protective cover, waterproof design, unique ear bud cord organizer – the works). You strap your app-heavy mobile onto this. What you can't wear, clip on or shove into your pocket goes into your backpack. Ready? It's time to pump up the volume with a remixed theme of Eye of the Tiger or Ek Tha Tiger and hit the road - it's time to run.

Since when did an exercise as simple as running get so complicated? Forget power jogging and power sprinting, one didn’t even have Power shoes to wear for a morning run, a decade ago. How did all this change?

As always, blame it all on the t-word. In recent times, technology, through apps, has stood us in good stead through all those hours of sweat and dirt, being our willing partner in grime. In fact, most apps have been named appropriately to emphasize this affiliation, like FertilityFriend, BP Buddy, WeightDate, SportyPal - and of course, an App Mate to handle all these apps.

Apps like calorie counter, session counter and km counter help keep track of various unpleasant facts while you run. Just as there are many ‘counter’ apps for running, there are also several apps to counter running – these help you dismiss suggestions from fitness freaks who unnecessarily force you into physical activities. So when they talk about the benefits of walking, your app can tell them how running is more effective, and if someone recommends running, you could pitch for trekking. Likewise, trekking can be countered by cycling, cycling by swimming, which in turn can be proved inferior to walking – and you realize that it’s a great way to have everyone go around in circles. It can get pretty exhausting, but then, it certainly beats getting tired by exercising.

But there are apps for fatigue too. So, when you feel that compelling urge to put your head down and rest for a while, there's the useful Lap Counter from iTunes to help you count those laps that could make vantage resting points. Just make sure you don't try this in your neighbourhood park or in places where you can be identified.

There are other apps that have resulted from a moment of inspiration - like iStepLog, created by a software engineer who went on an early morning walk after a particularly rainy night and accidentally stumbled on a tree that lay across the road. To cater to the Indian market, related apps have been launched, like iStepPuddle, iStepPoop and iStepDitch, to help you watch where you are stepping.

But it is important that you don’t take these apps too literally - not all apps deliver what they promise. There could be times when the deluge of apps could leave you all muddled up, but an app like Better Brain really doesn't get you that for 150 bucks - it merely tries to exercise your existing brain with some activities.

There are a host of apps for yoga too. But the challenge is to hold your smartphone in one hand, balance the other on the ground and with one leg in the air, try to wrap the other around your waist. It's called the ek app pada bakasana, or the one legged crane holding android device pose.

Tomorrow never lies...

Why has man been so keen to find out what the future holds for him? An analysis...

There are some things in life so predictable that one doesn’t need to be clairvoyant to make a prophecy. For instance, Facebook will have its billionth user soon. (Ignore the bit about 83 million fake users.) Or, Apple’s next product – named iPin – will mark the end of banks. But man’s undying curiosity about tomorrow has always resulted in prophets and profits.

It all began when early man tried to use animals to see the future. From the dove that helped Noah during the great deluge to the pigeon that helped Salman Khan in Maine Pyaar Kiya, there have been enough precedents of oracular animals. Paul the Octopus had set the stage, and soon the rest - Citta the Elephant, Funtik the Pig, Lazdeika the Crab, Leon the Porcupine, Maggie the Monkey, Mani the Parakeet, Pino the Chimpanzee, Rocky the Raccoon, Traudl the Goat, Xaver the Bulldog and Yvonne the Cow - followed. 12 animals, each of them making their own predictions – and that was how the world got its first zodiac.

The future continued to hustle us. The zodiac man had used a dozen animals, but the Mayans would go one up. They created 13 mysterious skulls made of piezoelectric quartz crystal, which is a good conductor of energy. Each skull was a storehouse of information about everything in the universe, including our future. Legend has it that when it’s time for the end of the world, the 13 skulls, when brought together, will help save mankind.

Quartz crystal, the fundamental element in today’s computers. Skulls that could hold and transmit energy. Their coming together to form a network. Piezoelectric quartz, a key component of modern transmission devices like the radar. The larger picture slowly emerged. So that was why the Mayans didn’t have the time to extend their calendar beyond 2012 – they had been busy creating the world’s first Wide Area Network. Was it possible that they had already predicted their end and had tried to communicate it through their indigenous computer network and radar devices? Was that what Indiana Jones had tried to find out before Harrison Ford was retired for the next instalment in the series?

There are other links between modern technology and ancient forecasting techniques. One of the oldest known Indian forecasting techniques is the nadi astrology. Nadi in Tamil means ‘to search for’ – it was this concept that led to the creation of the search engine. Since ancient India had perfected the art of counting up to 1 followed by 153 zeroes, taking a cue from this, two young men, Sergey Brin and Larry Page began a search for a financial windfall of 1 followed by a 100 zeroes – and googol, or Google came into being.

While stargazing indicated the future, the stars themselves were found gazing into tea cups. Kate Moss was believed to be into tea reading until her publicist clarified that people were mistaken. Being a leading fashion model, she rarely ate or drank anything and was often found staring into her tea cup. 

A different kind of reading – of Nostradamus’ almanacs - would reveal that the end of the world was scheduled only for 3797. Besides, like the Y2k issue, the Y10k problem had already been identified. So life couldn’t end in 2012 – there were bigger problems to be faced.

But the condition of the internet, its trillions of websites, the rapidly exhausting Internet Protocol version 4 (IPv4) addresses and the new social networking sites were clearly predicted by Sir Walter Scott in 1808 when he said, "O what a tangled web we weave..."