A random study of the evolution
of domestic tiffs through the ages has revealed a key trigger that catalyses most
fights – technology.
It was the era of technology. Marriages had never had it so
good before. Gadgets did all the work, computers did all the thinking and
mobiles did all the networking. Life should have been perfect, but it wasn’t.
Both man and his wife were constantly bickering. To keep
them apart, the Creator invented the television, with sports channels for man
and entertainment channels for the wife, so the two of them would be suitably
distracted. Initially both channels operated for only a few hours a day, so the
couple shared the TV amicably. But trouble began when both sports and
entertainment became 24 hours. The battle began with renewed vigour, with each trying
to hog the TV all the time.
The man, wanting to outsmart the wife, came up with the
channel-changing Vuvuzela, which was equipped with an 8-bit microchip and a
tiny microphone, and operated using Arduino technology. When he blew the
Vuvuzela, it intercepted the sound waves produced and sent an infrared signal
to the set top box. This resulted in the entertainment channel immediately
being changed to a sports channel. Point, blow, change channel - it was really
that simple. It was a double bonanza - each time he blew it, he not only made
his wife go stone-deaf, but also succeeded in changing the channel she was
watching.
However, the wife turned out to be smarter than the man and
quietly replaced the Vuvuzela with another musical instrument that would make
music from tattoos. The instrument comprised an Arduino circuit board, a
stepper motor and in-built black line sensors, which scanned the skin and read
the tattoos. This resulted in electronic sounds being produced. Every little
indentation and design element in the tattoo could be read as a note or an
instruction. The device could also be controlled manually - with a 3D Wii
remote controller - and by varying the speed and direction of the sensors, different
audio tracks could be created from the same tattoo.
It turned out to be a disaster for man as most footballers
had tattoos from head to toe, and the instrument scanned all their tattoos like
bar codes and began playing music. Since the EPL had players from all over the
world, the music that emerged from the instrument sounded pretty confused and
weird, like a million school kids playing their favourite instruments together.
So the man decided to go one-up on his wife and designed the
Alert Shirt, which would bypass the tattoo reader and help him experience the
game as though he were playing it. Created using haptic technology, the shirt
was equipped with a battery and feedback motors that transmitted impulses to
the skin. These impulses were triggered via data obtained through Bluetooth,
using a smartphone app. Wearing the shirt, he could feel every emotion and
physical action – from euphoria to exhaustion, from sledges to shoves - that
happened on the field.
Not to be outdone, the wife came up with make-up technology
that could help her control gadgets with a wink. Called Blinkifier, the kit
comprised metallic false eyelashes and a conductive eyeliner, which would
recognise the contraction of the eye muscles when the eyelids moved. Each time
she blinked, the two eyelashes would make contact and thus complete a circuit.
This would then send an infrared signal to the gadget in front and thus help her
change the channel.
The Creator had had enough. To ensure that technology
wouldn't be abused any further by these two, he came up with a device that was
small, handy and helped change channels in a jiffy. Now, the chances of the man
and his wife fighting were remote and the device would give them complete
control over the TV. And so, he aptly named it the ‘remote control’. ‘At last,’
he heaved a sigh of relief, ‘this will ensure that they will not quarrel any
longer.’
What happened next is history.