The loony side of technology

Strange things happen when the world’s most popular tech company begins to play with balloons.

The top brass at Google were facing a bizarre situation - they were running out of names for their projects. 

Not only were there so many experiments at the Google X lab, but there was stiff competition from fellow technology companies that were appropriating several nomenclatures when naming their products. For instance, Google could never think of naming its venture after a dessert, not while Android, its own acquisition, was around. Nor could it name its projects after wild cats when Apple was using the same line of thought for its OS X.

It was also a challenge for Google because after Google Earth, Google Space and Google Sky, the other natural elements couldn’t follow. Google Air wasn't possible because Nike had already appropriated that turf. Nor could Google Fire happen, thanks to Kindle Fire. Besides, Google was in no mood to compete with Deepa Mehta and have projects that shared their names with her movie titles. So they did away with the natural elements fixation and chose to work with balloons instead.

Balloons would be sent into the ozone for the good of humanity (Now you know why Google’s slogan is 'Don't be evil'). The G-team picked up around 40 giant helium-filled balloons, loaded them with hi-tech hardware and some mind-blowing software, and launched them skywards. Now, seeing giant objects in the sky can lead to one of two things - paranoia or speculations of paranormal activities. The former had some basis as people were already scared that Google could read their mail. (“How else would those ads for Thai massage and Ting Ling lingerie magically appear in the right side panel?”) And now, with those balloons looking down from the stratosphere, what if they managed to peep through strategically positioned bathroom ventilators and clicked snaps at 60 frames a second, in fast, continuous shooting mode? Worse, what if these snaps were accidentally discovered in Google maps, when one searched for 2nd Main Road, Indira Nagar and then zoomed in?

However, the public was assured that no such thing was going to happen and that the balloons were up there purely to provide internet connectivity in remote places like the Swiss Alps. (Though Bollywood will now have to worry about crew members leaking out songs even as they are being shot, on the positive side, mountaineers will no longer have to plant flags or leave behind a plaque that says that they made it there - they can simply update their Facebook status.)

Masses of floating objects invariably lead to mass hysteria that the aliens are landing, and the balloons were sure to cause a scare. Out of sheer concern for the palpitating public, Google decided not to call the initiative Project UFO - Unerringly Finding Objects. Instead they chose to name it after the balloons themselves.

But ‘Project Balloon’ or ‘Google Balloon’ didn't have that ring to it. So the option was to split the word balloon and use part of it. They couldn’t name it Project Ball - all those cool images of Google offices and Google employees having fun had already given them quite a reputation. Now, a name like that would only make people who had a sneaking suspicion about Google employees having a ball, absolutely sure of the fact that Google employees were indeed having a ball. Hence they took the latter part of balloon and named it 'Project Loon'. For all those who thought that sending balloons into the air for connecting people (Nokia simply had two people shake hands) was the nuttiest thing one can do, this played right into their hands – just go online to see the kind of puns and jokes doing the rounds now.

Thus, through its helium-powered, High Altitude Platforms (HAP) set aloft 12 miles above the earth, using advanced flight control systems, solar panels and internet circuit boards, Google succeeded in proving a century-old hypothesis - technology's a lot of hot air.

Searching without Google…

Civilisation explores its dark side and embarks on a dangerous experiment – one that doesn’t involve technology.

On November 22, 2012, disaster struck the world – actually, it struck just parts of Australia, but since their cricket team was getting beaten by every other country, the nation decided to adopt the American motto of 'We are the world' and focus only on its Big Bash league. And thus, the disaster was dubbed to be one of global proportions.

A telecom major suffered a blackout because of a fire and it led to a world that was left bereft of technology. Research indicates that on an average, people had to spend 10.59 days without internet, 10.12 days without a landline and 4.21 days without mobile phone service. However, what the research failed to measure was the volume of tears shed by many – living without technology was bad news, but if there was something worse than feeling bad, it was the fact that no one could post how they felt, online.

Soon light dawned on mankind. The blackout wasn’t when they lost access to technology - it was that prolonged era when they had become slaves to technology. The wise men congregated and soon, arrived at a decision. "We've survived for centuries before computers, so why should we be so dependent on them in the ‘after digital’ era?"

Thus technology found itself booted out of many houses. Door-to-door salesmen of atlases, dictionaries and encyclopedias hit jackpot as GPS apps, online thesauri and Google search were abandoned. Kumon classes were over-attended with great zeal as people realised that they had to learn to calculate all over again. Memory Plus tablets (or the equivalent of it Down Under) set new sales records as everyone tried to remember birthdays and phone numbers - the absence of mobile phones meant no birthday alarms or contact lists.

Even old-fashioned mechanical clock businesses that had wound up long ago reopened their shops because digital clocks and LED displays were no longer permitted inside homes. Manual cameras and film were back in vogue and people were spared close-up shots of shoe laces, saliva dribbles of dogs, and of lizards eating moths – luckily for them, both community websites and digital cameras were out.

Banks resumed their duty of being a social hangout for the retired types and pickpockets enjoyed a new lease of life, with people carrying cash instead of credit cards. Post offices did brisk business, selling truckloads of envelopes and letters, while dogs were delighted as more postmen began coming around. Hallmark and Archies were so overwhelmed by the unexpected demise of e-cards that they promptly announced a new occasion to be celebrated - the Kick Tech Butt day.

So life was chugging along merrily, until things came to a grinding halt. Over the years, Facebook had changed people's habits as they didn't have to peek into others' homes, look through keyholes or eavesdrop by the window to know what was going on with the world – the regular status updates would say it all. But now, without social networking sites, it was getting increasingly difficult to find out what people wore in their holidays, how husbands wished wives on their anniversaries and where people binged the previous night. The old-age art of keeping tabs on the neighbours had become extinct. Society went into a deep freeze – people simply had no idea as to what was happening in others’ lives.

It was utterly disgusting. "These days, what happens in the family," a socially challenged citizen lamented, "stays in the family." And that was the last straw. Unable to bear it anymore, people threw open the doors to technology once again. The laptops, mobiles, tablets and the internet connection were back. "Never again," muttered the scarred veterans as they shook their heads gravely.

And they all lived happily ever after, kick-starting the celebrations with the latest status update - Avi was going to wear a pink ribbon around his neck when wishing his wife on their 23^rd wedding anniversary. 

Can't touch this...

Technology reveals a new world of communication where it’s cool to be ‘out of touch’.

For years, touch was considered an important part of communication – until it took a young girl from Goa to tear through the scratch guard, break through the guerrilla glass touchscreen and create a touch-free revolution in mobile technology. To the mobile phone junkie, this translates into a future where he wouldn't have to touch a thing to be in touch with the world.

So, one doesn’t ‘touch’ a mobile phone anymore, how does one communicate? Through gestures, of course. The next generation of phones is being prepared for gesture recognition through '3dim', or high quality 3-d sensing achieved through patented signal processing methods. So, instead of issuing commands to your mobile through touch, you can use a set of hand movements that it can recognize and respond to.

But interpreting gestures and signs can be a pretty confusing affair – at times, the same gesture could mean different things to different people, like the famous Indian head bobble. To avoid the muddle that gesture recognition could cause, technology has come up with a few alternatives that could help us communicate, both with our mobiles and with one another.

Accoustech: A technology that uses acoustics to help mobile phones convey a message – this is in complete irreverence to the silent mode. Mobiles will henceforth use sounds, like snarling noises to indicate year-end appraisal, childlike laughter to signal wife leaving town, sobs to announce that your favourite serial is beginning – and loud growls to indicate hunger.

Chromatech: This technology works through chromatic gradations - or colour changes that the mobile displays. Bright shades of yellow indicate that gold prices have come down, red communicates a bad feeling that the prices have gone down further after your gold shopping, green indicates that the neighbours got a better deal than you did, and shades of black and blue point out that what you’ve bought is not even 18 carat gold. Employers can also use this technology to find out if their employees are faking a fever and playing hooky, by holding their mobile close to them - if it turns pink, they are in good health and are fit enough to work.

Optech: This uses an optical mode of communication. The wallpaper and the display of the mobile screen change based on your mood, from bright, happy flowers and tranquil waterfalls to Megadeth skulls and Ghost Rider close-ups. Other display techniques include a change in opacity and dual tones, for the Gemini types or for those in two minds.

Aromatech: This technology enables your mobile to release various aromas that can convey a message. Digital scent technology has been around for some time now - so why not make use of it? It could also help employees alert their colleagues who are goofing off. A quick garlic and BO whiff from their mobile would be enough to let them know that the boss is approaching their desk.

Statech: Using technology that releases static pulsations, mobiles resort to communication of the seismic kind, thereby giving the good old vibration mode its share of the limelight. This method allows the mobile to sense its owner's mood and pass on messages through a series of vibrations. So when someone sends you a message about a big question mark on IPL 7, your mobile will make sure that you look appropriately shaken up.

Energetech: This is cutting-edge technology of the energetic kind, in the form of shock impulses that involve electroreception. In other words, the mobile carries your message in the form of an impulse. If the recipient is carrying his mobile in his person, the effect would be telling - or screaming, depending on the intensity of the shock.

Note: All the new technologies were created by taking traditional communication methods used by animals and changing the 'tic' in their names into tech. All of them are deemed fictional until the time someone really comes up with them.