The Kleenex strikes back

Television finds itself threatened by an adversary with a much smaller screen - the mobile phone.

The head honchos of several GECs (General Entertainment Channels) got into a huddle with a bunch of techies. Things were just getting worse for them - on one hand, their ad revenue was shrinking with the cap on the advertising air time per hour. And on the other, people were spending too much time on their mobiles. It was fine as long as it was restricted to commercial breaks - there were so many of them. But now, with the number of ads being drastically cut down, all their mobile activities were happening during prime time television, when the soaps were on. Predictably, TRPs began sliding.

"I can't believe this. It should be ‘them’ who should be sitting in front of the idiot box with these boxes,” the head of a regional GEC pointed to a box of Kleenex as he bawled into a fresh tissue. “Instead…” he couldn’t continue any further. Another channel head was deep in thought. "We need to do something about those mobiles...” He looked at the techies, one of whom spoke up. "A London-based start-up has created a tracking system that locates where the audience is and plays ads in their mobiles. We can use it to play recaps of the earlier episodes of your soaps in 60 second loops that will stop only when the viewers sit in front of the TV and take their hands off the mobile." The channel heads were overjoyed.

When the viewing millions realised what was happening, they were furious. "They didn't even seek our permission to flood our mobiles with their content. We have to retaliate." They went to the same set of techies who were only too happy to make more money. And they came up with Off Pocket, a mobile case that was capable of blocking any signal - cellular, Wi-Fi or GPS. "Slip your mobile into this and it will be impossible for anyone to track it or send any reminders," they assured them. The GECs were back to square one and went back to the techies, who were ready with another solution.

"Every mobile has an energy source that emits radiation - we can use infrared sensors coupled with the latest thermal cameras to locate these phones." 'Must be like the HotSpot technology in cricket,' thought the executive from the GEC that showed a lot of T20 as well. Soon the mobile phones couldn't stay hidden and the trackers were back at work again, inundating each phone with hours of episodes and reminders, until the bleary-eyed viewers couldn't take it anymore. They trudged back to the techie team.

"Not a problem," said the team leader, "we have the perfect answer for that too. We'll make your mobiles virtually unrecognizable and so small that no tracking system can locate them." So they created tiny mobiles with ultra-strong micro-supercapacitors that made SIM Cards look like visiting cards in comparison. And with the supercapacitors being so light and flexible, the mobile phones ended up looking like tiny buttons. So life went on smoothly, with audiences staying engrossed with their phones and the channels working themselves into a lather over their soaps faring badly.

The GEC heads, driven to despair, called for another meeting. "The management is clearly bored of directors dishing out the same drivel on the channel," began a channel head. However, the others were too busy with their mobiles, checking their respectiveshow ratings, and ignored him. "Why are you guys phubbing me?" he demanded, feeling irritated. "What's that?" the others asked, unfamiliar with the term. "Phubbing - it's snubbing others by getting busy with the phone when they're talking." "If snubbing people with a phone is called phubbing, what's snubbing soaps with phones called?" one asked. "Sobbing?" suggested another helpfully.

And that's the reason why, to this day, die-hard fans of soaps are seen sobbing as they watch their favourite characters go through one trauma after another, five days a week.

Thumbs up to the three-finger salute

When fingers get into trouble because of smartphones, trust technology to lend a helping hand.

It's official. Mobile phones are causing a lot of damage to our fingers. And now that the royal heir is born, England have retained the Ashes and the UK economy is looking up, a leading cellular service provider from the Queen’s own country has decided to give their nation – and the world – something new to talk about and thereby increase their revenue. That ‘something new’ has turned out to be Thumbells, or dumbbells for the thumb. The product has been created to heal sore thumbs and strengthen them for more action, coming shortly in the form of 4G.

If the United Kingdom could do so much for its 83 million subscribers, can India, with over 10 times that subscriber base, be left far behind? While the nation keeps its fingers crossed, a group of tech wizards with their fingers on the pulse of the common man have come up with a list of innovations that are finger-licking good. And since different people message differently, the innovations are varied, so that the whizzes can have a finger in every pie. Here’s a sneak peek:

The Vulcan Nerve Pinch: Who would have thought that the ‘Control-Alt-Delete’ routine that we've been practising for years to revive our dying computers would resuscitate our lifeless fingers as well? Special gyms with long rows of keyboards are being proposed where the manoeuvre – involving the thumb and two other fingers – can be practised 20 times a day.

Thummunity: Several online groups are being planned where finger gymmers can form a Thummunity - a Thumb Community. (Other fingers can be included through referrals, and will be called members.) Sister associations of the Thummunity are also planned – these will be called Fingerlings. One of the highlights of these associations will be a forum that would offer ‘fingertips’ - useful suggestions for finger exercises. There will also be a medical forum titled 'Have you been fingered?' which will have experts from the medical community addressing questions on the problems and solutions concerning damaged fingers and their rehabilitation.

Fingerbook: Fingerbook is a variation of Facebook, soon to be announced by the social media biggie. Why Fingerbook? "Because," said a senior programmer on conditions of anonymity, "if you can use your fingers to update Facebook, why can't you use your face to update Fingerbook?" The idea was to rest one’s digits and use other body parts, like the face, for instance. This revolutionary thought has given rise to a new form of communication, called Chilbow.

Chilbow: Just because your fingers are in rehab, you can't afford to not check mail or update your Facebook status. So, to cash in on this thought, a tech entrepreneur has cashed in on the big bucks of several angel investors and has found a unique way of updating Facebook – or Fingerbook – posts. Called Chilbow, it’s a technique where one uses one's chins and elbows to update status messages, upload photos and videos, and like posts from their friends. Since behavioural patterns on Facebook already involve giving one the cold shoulder, having tongues wag, getting nosy and putting one’s foot firmly in the mouth, plans are on to expand the scope of this new communication technique.

Full-finger workout: This routine helps exercise all 10 fingers together and involves enacting the nursery rhyme 'One Little Finger' five times a day. But for those who think it’s child’s play, suitable exercises that involve imbibing nicely chilled, golden-brown liquids from large glass mugs could do the trick. This not only exercises all five fingers, but also the wrist. More for information, google Oktoberfest.

All the ideas were well-appreciated and made the founders richer with several rounds of funding, until one day, the bubble burst. Fingers were no longer needed to interact with mobiles – a girl from Goa had come up with gesture recognition.